Scrupulosity OCD and the Power of the Gospel

What rest is there for the soul affected by scrupulosity OCD?  

My prior approach to life was dominated by scrupulosity OCD. I thought I had to do, think, be, and say everything perfectly ALL the time.  Since I failed to achieve this, I could not be at peace in my soul and felt certain there was no hope of peace with God.  

But how that has changed as I've grown in understanding the gospel! Counseling and medication played important roles in my victory over OCD, but I think the gospel was the most powerful contributor to victory.  Better understanding the gospel of God's grace that "saved a wretch like me" drew me to experience more deeply God's forgiveness, freedom, and His unconditional love that seeks my best even when I don't love Him back.  In turn, I grew in trusting His perfect character and promises. Such growth in my personal knowledge of God led to greater confidence in God's power and trustworthiness. Eventually the truth of God began to influence my decisions much more than the lies of OCD.

The song "Not in Me", from The Gospel Coalition's* Songs for the Book of Luke, includes the following verse. These words speak of the gospel, in which there is true rest for the soul.

"No humble dress, no fervent prayer, no lifted hands no tearful song,
No recitation of the truth can justify a single wrong.
My righteousness is Jesus' life.
My debt was paid by Jesus' death.
My weary load was borne by Him
And He alone can give me rest."

*The Gospel Coalition website (http://thegospelcoalition.org/) is a rich resource of gospel insights. The Gospel Coalition has helped me to learn to apply the gospel to many different aspects of my daily life. 

Loving the Imperfect Church

I have a hard time loving the church when I expect it to be perfect.  I have a hard time serving my sisters and brothers in Christ when I don't make allowances for each other's faults.  How can I love and serve a messy group of people called the church?  How can I love and serve people in the church who may misunderstand or misjudge my struggles with OCD, HVS, and depression?

Yet I have developed a love for the church over the years.  Recently I found myself smiling at different individuals at my church just because I enjoyed them.  They weren't perfect people, but I had a sense of love and even a tender affection for them. I found myself appreciating that they, along with me, are people perfectly loved by God even though we all fall far short of perfection.  This love for others has not come from my own heart, but from God's love and power that has been changing me. 

"...Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her..." (Ephesians 5:25)

"This is love: not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins." (1 John 4:10)

"But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." (Romans 5:8)

Imperfect Churches and Finite Minds

I have been offended, grieved, and embarrassed by some things that have happened in churches.  Even more grievous, I confess my own contributions to these offenses at times.

At times, the failures of churches and individual Christians have been a barrier to me to seeing God clearly, and the barrier seemed even greater when I was struggling with scrupulosity OCD.  But as I persisted in seeking God, I realized that the church and my own mind were not adequate to "figure God out".  I finally had to admit I had finite understanding, and my only hope was for the infinite God to help me to know Him.  More than that, I had to come to the point of being willing to wait on God's own ways and own time for me to know Him.  I had to let go of my arrogant pride that God should do things my way.

Though letting go of my pride has required humility, what a freeing thing it has been to look to Christ Himself, not individual Christians or the church, as the perfect representation of God (Hebrews 1:3).

And though waiting on God's ways has required patience, what a beautiful picture of God's work I now enjoy as I reflect on the years in which God's ways and timing were so much better than mine (Isaiah 64:4).

I believe God delights to use the church and my mind to accomplish His purposes, but my hope cannot be in the church or in myself.  I must humbly ask and depend on God to guide me into truth and to reveal Christ to me (Luke 18:9-14; Luke 24:45; John 16:5-15).

I'm so thankful that God works through sin-struggling individuals, imperfect churches, and even mental challenges to "show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us" (2 Cor. 4:7).  His power is perfected in weakness!

Power Perfected in Weakness...In The Church

I have attended or visited several different churches over the years and have yet to find a perfect one. God is perfect, yet people and churches fall so short.   

In both history and our present culture, there have been leaders and members of churches who have sinned horribly and have even used their position in a church to harm others.  And even those who aren't engrossed in sin still aren't perfect people.  It can be hard for me to see God in some people and churches who claim to follow Him.

But when I look to people for perfection, I am looking in the wrong place.  Perhaps the principle of "power perfected in weakness" (2 Cor. 12:9) applies to churches as well as individuals.  After all, it's individuals coming together that make up a church, and each individual is imperfect.  Several imperfect people together in a church results in an imperfect church from the very beginning. And as the saying goes, "If a perfect church existed, it wouldn't be perfect anymore if I went there."  In the light of my own flaws, how could I expect any church to be perfect, much less hundreds and thousands of churches around the world?

A church sign says, "Messy People.  Real God.  Changed Lives."  I think here we find an expression of God's power perfected in weakness in the church.  It is the beauty of the gospel.  Because of people's sinful choices, people and churches are "messy".  But Jesus loves us anyway and died on the cross to pay the penalty for our sins.  He did this so that we could be forgiven and made right with God, and to live forever in perfect fellowship in Heaven.  When someone's heart is truly open to the gospel and allows the real God to work in their life, life change happens.

Messy People.  Real God.  Changed Lives.

HVS Again, and an HVS Tip

To my surprise, my 2014 began much like last year.  January 2014 was filled with HVS symptoms just like in January 2013.

After several months of a close walk with God and peace even in the face of challenges, I was blindsided about six weeks ago when faith and peace became a big struggle again.  I experienced a very stressful 24 hours with two traffic incidents and a negative medical report.  Despite trying to respond in faith and trust, my emotions soon seemed overwhelming and my thoughts turned to worry. An on-and-off struggle with HVS (hyperventilation syndrome) followed.

Because of this recurrence of HVS, I finally picked up Dr. Mark Crawford's "The Obsessive-Compulsive Trap" again.  Although HVS is not the same as OCD, the two can overlap and fuel each other. So Dr. Crawford's book (the primary book my counselor recommended in 2006), has provided some very helpful reminders and new insights for my current battle with HVS.

I was surprised at the return of HVS since I did not struggle with it for most of 2013, but reading Dr. Crawford's book reminded me that victory over OCD and HVS are not just isolated to one battle.  He writes, "OCD symptoms can change over time.  It is important to help patients understand that even after you kick Mr. OCD out, he may try to sneak back into the party disguised in a different outfit" (p. 108). We can have victory over OCD, but we have to "be ready for a fight." (p. 109).  

1 Peter 4:12 says, "Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you."  I would like to think that once I have had victory in an area of my life that I wouldn't need to fight that battle again, but I've had to accept that's not the way it is. I am reminded that trials have great purposes, and even when the same trial comes back, it offers a great opportunity for me to grow and to see God's power perfected in my weakness.

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HVS Tip: Of the physical responses to HVS that were suggested to me, I had never heard of yawning. So in case it might help someone else with HVS, I want to share that yawning slowly and deeply as soon as the shallow breathing begins has been very helpful to me. I continue yawning until I catch a good, deep normal breath.  Then I immediately work on redirecting my thoughts to truth in order to combat the root lies and anxieties underlying my HVS.  Sometimes I need to go right back to starting the process of yawning again, but if I persevere in this pattern of (1) yawning and (2) redirecting my thoughts, it helps keep my HVS responses from accelerating and intensifying.