My OCD Journey: After the Decision

Moving day arrived about two months ago, and along with it came a new city and new responsibilities. Numerous decisions filled the weeks before and after moving. 

Such a major change as moving can bring decision-making stress on anyone, and OCD amplifies the difficulty of dealing with such stress. I had some times of OCD battles and hyperventilation syndrome (HVS) related to some of the moving decisions, but I fought hard with the tools I have learned to use against OCD/HVS. I earnestly sought to trust and obey God. I tried to follow the principles of decision-making that I wrote about last October. With great thankfulness, I now look back and see how God was faithfully providing through that time. Once again, His power was perfected in my weakness.  

The last two months have included another decision-making struggle: over-analysis after the decision.  For example, I recently committed to a service position for my kids' schooling for the coming year. Though I battled a lot of OCD thoughts during the decision process, I finally arrived at a decision with confidence.  But the confidence didn't last long after the decision.  I was trying to trust God with the results of my decision, but I was also tempted to analyze the decision again and again.  What if I hadn't made the best decision?  What if I would regret it?  What if...?

Here's what I have come to after battling such over-analysis:  When I worry and allow my thoughts to loop in the endless "what if" cycle, my ability to function decreases and my ability to sense God's perspective is clouded.  Moreover, if I realize that the decision I made wasn't the best one after all, I can't get back on a better path if I stay stuck in over-analyzing the past.  Mentally beating myself up for having made a less-than-best decision won't help either.  I believe that God wants me to learn from poor decisions so that I can make better ones in the future, but He doesn't want me to be paralyzed by worry or guilt. Rather, He wants me to receive His love and guidance, and He wants me to move on to the next step of obedience with trust in Him.

So I've learned I have to be on the alert for OCD before AND after I make decisions.  And either way, I need to trust in God's ability to make my path straight as I seek Him (Proverbs 3:5-6) rather than in my own ability to arrive at just the right decision. 

Waiting

Waiting is hard. The concept of waiting patiently is not valued nor modeled in our culture. My patience has been tested in waiting in the drive-thru lane for fast food, waiting for a three-minute meal in the microwave, and waiting for the computer to reboot. Waiting for something over a period of weeks, months, or years has been almost more than I could stand at times. Yet, whether I like it or not, waiting is a part of my life. 

Earlier this year, it was hard waiting to return to a pattern of normal breathing and to a pattern of daily sweet fellowship with God.  I wrote in my last post about my renewed struggle with HVS (hyperventilation syndrome).  The struggle lasted for almost a month. Looking back now, a month doesn't seem like a very long time to wait, but during that month it seemed like a terribly long time, especially since I had no way of knowing when -- or even if -- I would come out of that struggle. 

Since then I have been reflecting on the idea of "waiting", trying to see its value as God sees it.  Speaking of a man whose "delight is in the law of the LORD", Psalm 1:3 says that he "is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither."  Yields its fruit in season. This challenges my cultural mindset on waiting.  How often I want immediate fruit rather than waiting for its season!

But when I step back and look at God's created order, waiting seems to be an important part of how God intends for life on this earth to work.  I can't make a fruit tree produce its fruit any faster than it will be borne in its season.  Likewise, I couldn't rush the 9-month process of pregnancy.  Critical stages of development happened throughout those months, and it was a process that couldn't be rushed. 

I may not like waiting, but I am trying to embrace it as a necessary, important part of life that has been ordained by an all-wise, loving God.  And just as God has created waiting to be part of the physical order of things, I need to accept His wisdom in including waiting as part of spiritual, mental, and emotional processes too.

May I come to trust and rest in God so much that -- when the waiting gets hard -- I can say, "The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for Him." (Lam. 3:24).

Hungering For My Very Great Reward

I've been encouraged by reflecting on the value of embracing challenges as opportunities to grow in my relationship with God. The current challenge that I'm trying to embrace is a recurrence of hyperventilation syndrome (HVS). I've been anxious over the many decisions, deadlines, and transitions of the last week and that has manifested in HVS symptoms. I’m not nearly as discouraged as when I first experienced HVS since I'm trying to embrace this challenge as an opportunity, but it still is not pleasant experiencing HVS again.

I've realized that the main reason that I've been extra anxious about decisions is that I have been trying to be in control rather than trusting (and resting) in God to be in control.

Many months ago I heard Pastor Charles Stanley say: "Obey God and leave all the results to Him". As I earnestly tried to follow that principle, I experienced increased peace, awareness of God's work in my life, and growth in my fellowship with God.  Though I've been seeking to obey God this week, I realized I haven't been trusting Him, resting in Him, and leaving all the results to Him.  I've been holding onto my will rather than surrendering to His.  Though I may have been initially seeking to be obedient, I quickly switched to worry and anxiety many times this week.

My current lack of peace and distance from God is not worth holding onto my will or worries.  I can't control all the results of decisions anyway, plus I'm reminded that the results that God brings are always for my best. The hard part is to wait on Him, but I'm convinced I need to be willing to wait again too. 

I miss the intimacy with God that I have often enjoyed.  I want to take whatever steps are necessary to renew my peace and fellowship with God, and I trust that He will lovingly guide me in that.  I want to delight myself in Him again and to know Him as my very great reward (see Psalm 37:4 and Genesis 15:1).  

My OCD Journey: Embracing Mysteries and Challenges

The anxiety I have experienced over decision-making has often left me crying out for a formula. If only there were a black-and-white method for making perfect decisions, then surely my life would be much more satisfying. Or would it be?

Though I have cried in frustration over the mysteries of God and His ways, I am beginning to see that a formula-based approach to God would take the life out of my relationship with Him.  If God gave me a formula for every need and decision, my focus would be on the formulas, not on Him. He did not create me to be a robot, mechanically plodding through life according to formulas. Rather, God created me for abundant, vibrant relationship with Him and with others.  The development of such a relationship can involve times of deep mystery and gut-wrenching challenge, but this refining process can produce such a rich, satisfying relationship -- what is gained in the end makes the process worth it many times over.

I have experienced such a deep, satisfying relationship with God, especially over the last few years.  Such intimate fellowship has largely been borne from wrestling with Him through the challenges, and in the end, finding Him faithful through it all. God has so often done "immeasurably more than all [I] ask or imagine" through the hard refining times, and I stand in great awe and close fellowship with Him as a result (Ephesians 3:20). 

In Hearing God's Voice, Henry and Richard Blackaby write, "God's choice to communicate in so many diverse ways forces us to put our faith in him,  not a method" (p.42).  Though a life free from mystery and challenge still sounds appealing in ways, I have found that the joy of deepening my relationship with God and others through the hard times has always been worth it. May I embrace future challenges as an opportunity to seek Him ever more deeply.