Pause

I have not been able to write much lately, but I look forward to writing more when I can!

My Story - Expectations of God and Prayer

My pastor says that God made man in His image (Genesis 1:27) but ever since then man has been trying to remake God in man's own image.  That has certainly been true in my life.  

There was a time in my life when I expected God to answer my prayers exactly as I requested and right when I requested, regardless of whether or not it was actually what was best for me or how it affected other people.  I had heard that God answered prayer, so according to how I had fashioned God in my own image, I expected Him to answer my prayers affirmatively and immediately, because, after all, "God answers prayer"!

I found, however, that many such prayers were not answered in the way or the time that I requested.  So, I questioned God's goodness and trustworthiness because, according to my view, He wasn't answering prayer. But eventually I realized that God wasn't the one wrong about this issue of answered prayer.  I was the one who was wrong. 

Whether from ignorance or hardness of my own heart, I had failed to take into account the whole counsel of God's word on prayer. God does answer prayer, but there are some conditions to how He answers them. For example, in Isaiah 59:1-2, it says "Listen!  The LORD's arm is not too weak to save you, nor is His ear too deaf to hear you call. It's your sins that have cut you off from God.  Because of your sins, He has turned away and will not listen anymore" (NLT).

Does this make God a bad Father? I don't think so.  As a mother, I have grown in understanding some of God's wisdom in how He answers His children's requests.  For example, if my daughter asks for a special treat but has repeatedly refused to obey my instructions to clean up her toys, the first issue in my mind to talk to her about is her obedience.  

I don't expect my children to obey because I want to be a tyrant over them, but because I want them to grow into responsible, mature people of character who love others as well as themselves.  Though their desires are very important to me, their long-term growth and character are more important to me than their desires of the moment.   I delight to give them special treats and gifts of all kinds, but I 'will not listen' to such requests when they persist in choosing disobedience.

Though the blessings may not be immediate or tangible, I have regularly experienced God's lavish blessings when I have decided to obey Him. I have enjoyed discovering that He delights to pour abundant blessings on those who make it a way of life to follow His paths.  Therefore I am thankful that He loves me enough to discipline me when I go off His path so that I can come to my senses and get back on His path.  Being on God's path -- where my will aligns with His -- is where I find that my prayers accomplish much.

"If people are willing to get right with God, then their prayers will accomplish much" (from Praying by the Power of the Spirit by Neil T. Anderson, 29).

Note:  Of course not every dark night of the soul is the result of sin, but dark nights are a time, as anytime, to be honest with ourselves and God if there are sin patterns that we are holding onto.  Over the years, I have recognized much sin in my own heart, and it should not have been surprising to me that I was not experiencing many "yes" answers to my prayers during those times of my life.  But when I agreed with God about my sin and chose to let Him teach me to walk victoriously over sin, my prayer life and intimacy with God grew much deeper, and I recognized more "yes" answers to my prayers. 

In addition, after going through many trials and then looking back in hindsight, I am so thankful that many times God's answers to my prayers were "no" or "wait".  He had the wisdom of the past, present, and future and complete ominscience to know when "no" or "wait" was actually best.  He is good.

My Story - "Reaching for the Invisible God"

I am refreshed by the honesty of author Philip Yancey.  He does not shy away from tough and honest questions about Christianity.  On the back cover of Yancey's book, Reaching for the Invisible God: What Can We Expect To Find? it says, "Life with God doesn't always work like we thought.  High expectations slam against the reality of personal weaknesses and unwelcome surprises.  And the God who we've been told longs for our company may seem remote, emotionally unavailable.  Is God playing games?  What can we count on this God for?  How can we know?  How can we know God?  This relationship with a God we can't see, hear, or touch -- how does it really work?"

I read some of this book in 2000, about three years after I became a Christian.  I had struggled with lots of doubts about God before coming to Christ, and I continued to struggle afterwards.  Moreover, I had certain expectations of God that I found weren't being fulfilled, so I often faced questions such as:  Does God really love me?  Can I really trust God? If the Bible says that God answers prayer, why did it seem that so many of my prayers weren't being answered?  If God is good and all-powerful, why is there so much suffering in the world?  If God is so good, why is a relationship with Him so hard at times?

Yancey writes, "The only thing more difficult than having a relationship with an invisible God is having no such relationship" (38). As I reflect on my many years of living apart from God before I became a Christian and then reflect on the thirteen or so years that I have had a relationship with God since, Yancey's words ring true in my experience.

And through it all God has used times of questioning to purify my faith, to convince me of the Truth, and to draw me closer to Him. Through it all I have come to discover more of what I can really expect from Him, and I have come to truly rejoice in Him and love Him all the more.

In the song "Through It All", the group Selah sings: "Through it all, I've learned to trust in Jesus, I've learned to trust in God".  The process of getting to really know God can be difficult, but it is good.  And it is definitely worth it.  

The Dark Night of the Soul and Our Expectations of God

Reality has crushed my expectations in life more times than I can count, including at times in my relationship with God.  The weight of crushed expectations was certainly heaviest during my 'dark nights of the soul'.

In addition to stumbling over expectations of "cheerful tunes, easy answers, and happy smiles" that at times I perceived from some Christians, I also stumbled over my own expectations of who I thought God should be and how He should act.

But before I write about my own expectations of God, I want to ask you to consider your own expectations of God:  Who do you expect God to be?  How do you expect that He should act?  How should He answer prayer? How should He intervene in the events of this world? How should He respond in the dark night of the soul? What do you honestly expect of God?

My Story - Honesty In the Darkness

Christian leader, public speaker, and author Charles Colson wrote an article in which he shared his personal experience with the 'dark night of the soul' ("My Soul's Dark Night", Christianity Today with Anne Morse, 4/12/2006).  He asks, "What happens when you have relied on this intimacy [with God] and the day comes when God seems distant? What happens in the dark night of the soul?" 

The year 2005 included various trials for Colson including his son's diagnosis of bone cancer, his daughter's diagnosis of melanoma, and his wife's major knee surgery.  He writes, "I walked around at night, asking God why He would allow this.  Alone, shaken, fearful, I longed for the closeness with God I had experienced even in the darkest days of prison."

He notes that the contemporary Christian culture did not prepare him for this struggle.  And he, as I do, suspects that the dark night of the soul is something which many Christians "experience but fear to admit because of the expectations we create."  

Colson also writes that Christians "must rely on more than cheerful tunes, easy answers, and happy smiles."

Is there something more than the mask of happy smiles that many of us His followers hide behind? We can look to Jesus in His hour of agony and see something more than songs and smiles.  In the Garden of Gethsemane, Jesus "began to be deeply distressed and troubled. 'My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death', He said." (Mark 14:33-34). He "prayed that if possible the hour might pass from Him.  'Abba, Father,' He said, everything is possible for you.  Take this cup from me.  Yet not what I will, but what you will.'" (35-36). Jesus obeyed God the Father, but He didn't do it with a fake smile.  He was honest with His Father about the pain, difficulty, and struggle that were involved. "For the joy set before Him [He] endured the cross" (Hebrews 12:3).  It seems that Christ's joy was mixed with the reality of sorrow as well.  As Isaiah says, Jesus was, "a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief" (Isaiah 53:3).

Learning to be real and honest with God, myself, and with others was a difficult but critical part of my making it through my dark nights.  I am learning to walk with joy despite difficult circumstances because I have so often experienced the joy of God's power perfected in my weaknesses, but I also feel the freedom to be honest about the very real pain that there is in the darkness.  

My Story - Light in the Darkness

'Dark nights of the soul' were more common than not when I was a young Christian.  As I wrote about early in this blog, I struggled with lots of doubts and questions about the Bible and God.  Also, I had not yet learned how to trust God when I did not sense His presence and when I did not see clear evidence of His involvement in my life.  

One of the lights that I found in those early days of my faith struggles is Psalm 13 of David.  This psalm, among others that he wrote, encouraged me to be completely honest with God about my feelings, doubts, and struggles.  This psalm also showed me that I could choose to trust and praise God despite the darkness that seemed to define my days.  I memorized verses 5 and 6 years ago and they have helped anchor my faith in Christ when my emotions and thoughts have run wild.

Psalm 13 (NIV)
For the director of music. A psalm of David.

 ¹ How long, O LORD ? Will you forget me forever?
       How long will you hide your face from me? 

² How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
       and every day have sorrow in my heart?
       How long will my enemy triumph over me?
 ³ Look on me and answer, O LORD my God.
       Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;
 ⁴ my enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"
       and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
 ⁵ But I trust in your unfailing love;
       my heart rejoices in your salvation.
 ⁶ I will sing to the LORD,
       for he has been good to me.

My Story - The Dark Night of the Soul

In earlier posts I wrote about the year that I was severely, clinically depressed.  It began in January 2004 with the death of a friend/co-worker who contracted a serious, contagious disease;  it continued with many other griefs that came from such challenges as strained relationships, a heavy sense of responsibility in leadership, confusion about direction and next steps in life, and feeling isolated from those closest to me since I was working far from home.  Not to mention the devastating impact of OCD as I faced all of these challenges.

So much all at once was overwhelming in itself, and this no doubt contributed to my state of severe depression.  But the challenges that were even greater for me than all of these were (1) feeling very distant from God (2) doubting His goodness and (3) questioning what was really true.  I had walked with God so closely and in such intimacy despite trials the year before...but in this year of the greatest trials of my life it seemed like He had vanished and withdrawn His hand of love and care from me, and what had been clear to me before turned to gray. 

I had experienced 'dark nights of the soul' many times before, but the intensity and overwhelming grief of missing God's presence, doubting His love and goodness, and questioning what was true were much worse this time than any before.  And after having been to such heights with God in the year prior to that, this valley seemed deeper than any other.  I could not handle the circumstances of 2004 in my own natural strength, and it seemed that God was not handling them for me.   

(The term 'dark night of the soul' comes from the 16th century Spanish priest John of the Cross who wrote Dark Night of the Soul.  The term can refer to a spiritual crisis, feeling that God's presence is absent, and depression linked to a crisis of faith.)


Yesterday I just came out of a 'dark night' that lasted only a few days. It seemed to begin around the time when I started preparing a short talk to give about the dark night of the soul this coming Thursday. Though I'm certainly glad it's over for now, it was a good time for me to remember how the dark night feels so I can speak this Thursday from recent experience. This short dark night also reminded me of how God can use such times for great good in my personal growth and how joyous it is to see Him bring me through to the light again.  Also, I realized that I am much more prepared now than I was in 2004 to respond to dark nights.  I plan in future posts to share some ways that I have learned to make it through the night and to prepare for dark nights that may come in the future.

Pause

I have not been able to write much lately, but I plan to pick up writing more when I can!

My Story - Confession To Two-Potting

Besides my confusion over how I defined God's love and goodness, I eventually discovered another barrier to understanding and enjoying the love and goodness of God.  The barrier was that I was a 'two-potter' for years. This article helped me to find freedom in becoming a 'one-potter':

         http://www.letu.edu/people/matthewgreen/GraffPapers/The%20Two%20Pot%20System.pdf

Note: Learning to live as a one-potter rather than a two-potter also significantly helped me in my battle with  scrupulosity OCD.  (See the archive "My Story - Defining OCD and Scrupulosity" from May 31, 2010 for more on scrupulosity).

My Story - Love Me Like A Pizza?

When I was still a young Christian, a speaker at a Christian group meeting shared about his dating experience with the woman who is now his wife.  On one of their early dates he told her that he loved her. Having told her that he loved her at such an early point in their relationship, the relationship became awkward.  So to "fix" the situation he later told her over the phone, "You know when I said I loved you, I meant I love you like the way I love a good pizza."  

His story reminds me of how the word love can be misused or misunderstood.  The word love is used in so many different ways:  "I love pizza." "I love my wife." "I love baseball." "I love that shirt." "I love my daughter." "I love crossword puzzles." "I love God." "God loves me." "I love popcorn." Is it any wonder that I have often missed the significance of what it truly means when God says He loves me?

My Story - What is Love? What is Goodness?

A huge barrier to my embracing the love and the goodness of God in the midst of my suffering was how I defined the words 'love' and 'goodness'.  I eventually realized that I was defining these words on the basis of teachings of the culture, my own feelings, my deep-rooted selfishness, and / or  the teaching of some Christians who were well-meaning but I think were in error on this point of their theology.

How I define words has profound effects on what I believe, and what I believe has profound effects on how I relate to God.  I plan to elaborate on how I grew in enjoying God's love and goodness, but for now I will just share two working definitions that helped me in understanding how the Bible writers define God's love and goodness. 

• A pastor has defined 'love' (agape love) as:  "Love is meeting the needs of the one loved without counting the cost or expecting a return."

• Another pastor has defined 'goodness' as:  "Goodness is a generous kindness so concerned for the truth and well-being of another that it may display itself boldly in active intervention, rebuke, or correction." 

My Story - God's Goodness: At A Loss For Words

I have been struggling the last few days with feelings of great inadequacy to write about the goodness and love of God.  I firmly believe that He is perfect and unchanging in His goodness no matter what circumstances we face, but I've been struggling to find the words to convey how I have so confidently arrived at this conclusion.  I desire to use just the right words to convey how good God is so that others who have struggled like I have would be convinced in mind and heart as well.   

But I realized last night that no one person's words were the single key in my embracing the truth of a good God who has allowed a world that is full of evil and suffering.  It was a process over time that got me where I am now. My process included people's words, but it also included seeking God, suffering, learning, growing, questioning, honesty with God, failures, and choices of obedient faith.

My words will always be inadequate in themselves.  But, if you struggle like I have, I trust that the Holy Spirit will use my words in the ways that He knows is best in your own personal process.   

Prayer: If you also struggle to reconcile God's goodness and love with the suffering that we experience on earth, I want to pray for you as Paul did for the Ephesians:  "I pray that out of His glorious riches He may strengthen you with power through His Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith.  And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge -- that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God." (Eph. 3:16-19).

My Story - Questioning the Goodness of God

During my depression, an even greater struggle for me than pride was my struggle with truly believing in the goodness of God.  

For a period of several weeks or months in late 2003 -- before my friend Cathy's death and before my depression -- I started to struggle with questions about God's goodness.  At that time in my life "everything was going well" for me. I really enjoyed my teaching job, I was engaged to a man who surpassed my dreams, I had great friends, and I was enjoying a sweet walk of fellowship with the Lord. I felt so blessed and I (unwisely) compared my circumstances with those of other Christians who seemed to have more trials of pain and suffering in their lives.  Though I knew the Biblical answer that God is always good no matter what the circumstances are, I kept wondering, "God, are you really as good to such and such person as you are to me?"  

I had been a Christian for about six years at that point.  I was still earnestly seeking to know and love God, and I had this honest question about God's goodness that I could not reconcile in my mind and heart.  Little did I know that I would soon be facing my first season of intense suffering.  Soon, with the events of Cathy's death, subsequent trials, and my depression, the question of God's goodness to others in the midst of their suffering would become more personal as I faced the question of God's goodness in my own suffering.

There was still much that I needed to learn....

My Story - My Struggle With Pride

In my previous post I referred to the challenge of pride in going to a counselor.  This poem by Beth Moore  encourages me to relinquish my pride, but it also reminds me to rest in God's unfailing love for me when I'm struggling with pride, when I'm depressed, when I'm fearful, when I feel fragile... (Further Still p. 29).

"Holding Us" 

We often see ourselves as fragile, breakable souls.

We live in fear of that which we are certain

we can't survive. 

As children of God, we are only as fragile as our

unwillingness to hide our face in Him.

Our pride alone is fragile. 

Once its shell is broken and the heart laid bare, 

We can sense the caress of God's tender care. 

Until then He holds us just the same. 

Though I did not feel it or believe it most of the time, I know now that God was holding me through each moment of my crisis and depression in 2004.  And now I also see that during that time He taught me, little by little, to let my pride go in exchange for His grace.  I cried more tears of sorrow than of joy during that time, but as I began to experience His grace that was sufficient for my needs, some tears and even songs of joy began to come again too.  

Note:   I want to be careful about defining the way I use the words pride and humility. If you haven't read my post "Beloved Prodigal of Infinite Worth" from Tuesday, May 25th, I encourage you to go to the archive link and read in that post how I define pride and humility. 

My Story - Counseling

I first went to a Christian counselor when I was in the midst of severe depression. Beginning with the unexpected death of a co-worker/friend who contracted a serious contagious illness in January of 2004, I faced a series of traumatic events, difficult relationships, challenges to my faith, and the possible loss of some of my dearest hopes and dreams.  These challenges were far beyond my ability to control or to face with my meager human resources.  In addition, I did not know at that time that I had OCD.  My OCD dramatically flared up due to the crisis, and that made dealing with the crisis even more difficult. 

If I hadn't been so depressed and limited in daily functioning, I doubt that I would have taken the time or would have chosen to let go of my pride in order to see a counselor.  But, in the overwhelming state of my depression, seeing a counselor appeared to be not only wise but necessary. Looking back I'm thankful that my loved ones and I did not resist the humility, the time, or the money that it took for me to seek the assistance of a good counselor.

I certainly did not recover overnight and counseling was not always easy, but there were many healing truths and practical applications that I gained from counseling which I still benefit from today, six years later.  

Beth Moore writes, "Beloved, the world will not stop and our true God-ordained ministries will not end when we take the time to let God make us healthier and better equipped" (Believing God, p. 88).  Recovery from depression took lots of time and humility on my part. However, I imagine that I would still be depressed these six years later if I had resisted the various means of healing that God provided, including good counselors.  The investment was definitely worth the great rewards that I am reaping now. 

Pause

I'll be traveling at the end of this week to visit family until the end of July.  If I can't add to this blog while traveling, I'll plan to pick up in early August with more of my story.    

The Joyful Embrace of God's Grace

Before I continue with my story, I'd like to share the poem "My Prodigal" by Beth Moore (Further Still, p. 114).  It's been such an encouragement to me at my low points because it reminds me of God's heart of love that longs to embrace me with grace. I hope it encourages you as well.

"My Prodigal"

I'll run to you when skies aren't blue

And life has let you down

When you've lost hope -- the will to cope 

And rainbows seem to frown

When childhood dreams are lost in streams 

Of steady woes and noes

When fairy tales are scary veils

Of families turned to foes

When you set out to end self doubt 

And end up more confused

When messes made are hands you played

And there is no excuse

When all you planned has turned to sand

Mirages disappeared 

When giving up's the only cup 

To wash away your fears

When nothing's left --  no promise kept

But one I made to you

And in the distance I can sense you

Take a step or two

With open arms -- a cloak from harms

Pace quickened like a youth's

I'll sing,

"My child's come home again!"

And I will run to you!

My Story - Conquering Stress and Hyperventilation Syndrome

Through various stressful events of the last few years, I have discovered different ways that my body responds to stress and anxiety. One response that I have experienced is hyperventilation syndrome (HVS).  I experienced HVS for the first time last summer.  I hadn't experienced it since last summer and it seems that I have grown so much since that time, so I was surprised when a case of it started a couple of weeks ago.

Last summer's experience with hyperventilation syndrome was horrible. I even woke up many nights with different parts of my face numb because I had hyperventilated while sleeping!  My daily functioning and decision-making were greatly inhibited by the combination of HVS and major OCD struggles.

It was a bit embarrassing to admit to myself and to others that parts of my face would go numb at night because of my response to anxiety and stress, but I'm so thankful that I was honest about this weakness with people I trusted.  If I hadn't been honest with myself and others, I doubt that I would have learned how to conquer it.  But, thankfully, discussing the problem with others led to healing and victory over that horrible time.

Since I learned last summer how to recognize and to fight against HVS, I have been much more successful at handling it this time around.  And since OCD greatly exacerbated the HVS last summer, all the things that I have learned about fighting OCD since then have also been instrumental in reducing the severity of my current HVS struggle. In addition, because I have experienced God's faithfulness so abundantly and consistently over this past year, I am currently trusting more in God's goodness, purposes, and love than I did a year ago.  I have even regularly had God's peace that passes understanding in the midst of hyperventilating.  

Note: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hyperventilation_syndrome has a description of HVS

Note:   One of the books that my counselor used with me in discussing HVS was The Anxiety Cure by Dr. Archibald Hart, who writes from a Christian perspective.

Resource Lists - Comments

In the resource lists to the right of the blog, I have included some of the websites and books that have either been personally helpful to me or have been highly recommended by Christians who I greatly respect. Though I would like to, I have not had the time to read all of these resources in their entirety.  However, I have cited these resources with confidence that they are very good starting places for going deeper with these issues.  

Most of these websites and books are written by Christians.  If a resource is not necessarily written by Christians, such as the National Alliance on Mental Illness website, I have included it because it has been recommended by a respected Christian who works in that field.

Whether a resource is written by a Christian or not, I encourage myself and others to read any resource:

• with the measure for Truth being the whole counsel of the Word of God (being careful to take verses and passages in context)
• with the search for Truth being dependent on the Holy Spirit to reveal the Truth

Note: If you have questions about the trustworthiness and veracity of the Bible and its claims (such as I did for years), I encourage you to look at some of the resources I have listed under "Tough and Honest Questions About Christianity".  

My Story - The Danger of Isolation

I have been enjoying a rare time this morning of more than two hours of uninterrupted quiet time.  (With a 3 year old and a 17 month old, times of quiet and no interruptions are quite rare!).  

I enjoy thinking and pondering things deeply, so this kind of uninterrupted time is special to me.   I am often renewed and reenergized as a result of time alone, whether the time is spent thinking, reading, praying, writing, (or sleeping!). And amidst all the random thoughts that I may have during these times, I usually come away with some great treasures, lessons, or insights.  In fact, I so enjoy thinking and reading that I could spend days just doing that.  I love being with people, but I can be very content for quite a long time just by myself.  

I have come to realize, however, that too much time by myself is not good for me.  I think that it is especially not good for the health of my mind.   When I have gone too long without being around people --  especially if I have gone too long without sharing some of my deepest concerns, questions, fears, and struggles with at least one person who I trust -- my mind can come up with all kinds of things that are not true or are not healthy to dwell on in unending analysis. 

What does this have to do with my healing process?  As far as OCD is concerned, I spent years being isolated from sharing my intense concerns, questions, fears, and struggles because I chose not to share them with anyone.  I felt ashamed and embarrassed to open up.  Even though there were people in my life who were safe and trustworthy, I chose to wear a mask rather than being honest and expressing my need for help.  As a result, I spent years trying to sort things out in my own mind by myself, and that actually made my OCD much worse and I believe it made the time needed for recovery much longer.  

I also convinced myself that I only needed individual prayer and individual Bible study by myself to know God, and because of that I neglected the truth that God has created us to live in relationships and that He never intended for us to live life alone.  I finally started to open up to other people, and I found that I had much to learn.  I also found that some ideas that I had been convinced were right and true were actually false.  And I found that I grew and healed much more quickly when I was communicating with other people. 

I am so thankful that I finally shared about my struggles with my parents, friends, and eventually a counselor.  Isolation proved to be dangerous and destructive, but opening up to a few trustworthy people was a vital part of my recovery. 

My Story - Confiding In My Friends

I had lunch with a treasured friend this week.  She is a friend with whom I can be myself and I know that she loves me no matter what. She is also one of the few people with whom I shared details of my OCD struggles a few years ago.  She has seen my OCD battle over the past few years first-hand, and it was a great encouragement to me to share with her this week the joy of God's work in my life.

As I talked with her about my desire to be an encourager and advocate for other people who have mental illnesses, I contemplated what the life of a person might be like who is currently feeling overwhelmed by the challenge of a mental illness.  Though I am not currently overwhelmed by the presence of OCD, I can still remember the feelings and the exhausting struggle of constantly living with something that seemed impossible to conquer.   

In Further Still, Beth Moore writes, "You know, one of the tragedies of silently suffering through destructive, despairing feelings is that you are left to think you're the only one who has ever felt that way" (p. 127).  I was silent with most people for a long time about the reality of my OCD struggles and the feelings of shame, fear, confusion, and despair.  But, as I began to share more openly with people that I trusted, I found that I was not the only one who had struggled so.  I also found that my heart and my mind profited much when I simply shared my feelings and thoughts with a good friend.  Though not even my  closest friend could understand exactly what I experienced with OCD, having a friend that I could confide in was a great encouragement and a significant part of my healing process.

Resources for OCD, Mental Health, Faith Crisis, etc.

I am pausing my story to add some resources to this site that I hope will be helpful to anyone desiring to learn more.  Please notice there are already two resources up for the topic of mental health following the "Blog Archive" section on the right.  I hope to return to my story again soon.

My Story - Learning to See from God's Perspective

God's perspective and ways are so different from ours, but they are far more wonderful and bring about His very best!  Unlike Monday, the day full of good circumstances that I wrote about in my previous post, today seems to have had many more challenging circumstances than easy or fun things.  Our remodeling progress has slowed down tremendously due to long and heavy rains (we currently have a muddy pond where our driveway should be), it became apparent that I needed a different place to host our small group Bible study tonight (since there is no way for anyone to get to our front door without getting possibly ankle deep in muddy water through the ditch or the driveway-in-progress), the power went on and off a few times (thankfully it has stayed on!), and a lot of our family plans for the day have been turned upside down with managing the above circumstances.  

Isaiah 26:3, referring to God, says, "The steadfast of mind You will keep in perfect peace, because he trusts in You." (New American Standard Bible).

I have been experiencing much greater peace than on Monday.  "The peace of God, which transcends all understanding" has been defining my days since Monday rather than the discontentment and rattled nerves that I had on Monday (Philippians 4:7, NIV).  As I have been choosing to receive His grace in these days, I have seen His power once again being perfected in my weakness.  And based on His faithfulness in the past, I trust that He will work out these challenging circumstances for His best for our family, even though we can't yet see the way that He will do it. 

Note:  I really like the insight that the Amplified Bible has on Isaiah 26:3.  "You will guard him and keep him in perfect and constant peace whose mind [both its inclination and its character] is stayed on You, because he commits himself to You, leans on You, and hopes confidently in You."

My Story - I Was Humbled Yesterday

I was humbled yesterday.  Though a lot of good things happened in my circumstances yesterday (including great progress in home remodeling, fun times with my kids and husband, great time visiting with a friend who brought a yummy blackberry cake, and getting close to the purchase of a minivan), it was one of my hardest days recently because I was not content in the depths of my heart.  

In addition, I was keenly aware of some weaknesses in me. And rather than delighting in going to God with my weaknesses, I was very bothered and disgruntled about it all.  Far from recognizing God's power being perfected in my weakness, I didn't recognize much power at all yesterday.

I was especially bothered about the fact that I wasn’t delighting in my weaknesses after having been writing in my posts about delighting in my weaknesses.  I had thoughts like, "Am I a big phony?" or  "How could I write that I’ve learned to delight in weaknesses when I’m struggling so much today?"

I did not have peace about these questions until I woke this morning and remembered that I do not necessarily delight in my weaknesses in the midst of them.  Often, the delighting has come later when I can look back and see how God’s grace was sufficient, how His strength carried me through, and how He used the weakness for great good.

As with most things that I have experienced in my life as a child of God, learning to delight in weaknesses has been a process.  I am very encouraged that I am learning to recognize God's sufficient grace and the delight of His power much more quickly than I used to, but I still need to remember that I'm not perfect, and neither will my delighting be perfect :)

"The Surprising Relationship Between Our Sin and God's Grace"

Another pause in my story.... 

My first post referenced 2 Cor. 12:7-10, a passage by the apostle Paul in which he declared that He delighted in weaknesses so that Christ's power may rest on him.  After  reading one of my favorite books last night, I started thinking more about the apostle Paul.   (The book is called Why Sin Matters: The Surprising Relationship Between Our Sin and God's Grace, by Mark R. McMinn.)

On page 159, McMinn wrote about Paul's comment that, "I know I am rotten through and through so far as my old sinful nature is concerned" (Rom. 7:18, New Living Translation). As Josiah Bancroft of World Harvest Ministries and Sonship points out, Paul was an honest man, he wasn't writing with false humility. Paul was deeply aware of how great the gap was between his own attempts at righteousness and the perfect righteousness of a holy God.  Bancroft marks the progression from 1 Cor. 15:9 where Paul writes, "For I am the least of the apostles and do not even deserve to be called an apostle,", to Eph. 3:8 where Paul states "Although I am less than the least of all God's people, this grace was given me", and 1 Tim. 1:15-16 "But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners..." (NIV).   

It seems that the more that Paul got to know the awesome perfection of God, the more that Paul realized he himself was not perfect and in fact fell far short of perfection, which is God's standard. And, as noted in a previous post, I would suggest that Paul also fell short from God because of other human weaknesses, not just because of sin.  

God knows that we can't be perfect in our own strength, no matter how hard we try. (And anyone who knows about Paul or Martin Luther knows that they tried hard!). To the praise of His Name, God delights to offer the gift of sufficient grace to bridge the gap between Him and to anyone who will accept it, because He loves us so deeply and so longs for us to be with Him. 

On page 159 McMinn writes, "Paul knew where to turn for help in his weakness.  He found everything he yearned for in the embrace of God's grace, including the power to live  a better life than he could on his own. 'So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus.  For the power of the life-giving Spirit has freed you through Christ Jesus from the power of sin that leads to death.'" (Rom. 8:1-2, NLT).

After several years of thinking about these concepts, of allowing God to probe my heart deeply, and of personally responding to and experiencing the sufficiency of God's grace time and time again, I couldn't agree more!

Note: Though the title Why Sin Matters may be a deterrent from some people reading it, I would highly encourage anyone to read this highly readable and freeing book.  It's one of my favorite books because it so well communicates throughout the book the truth, power, and joy of grace! As one person commented, "A book about sin, in lesser hands, might be a gloomy proposition, but in Mark [McMinn's] hands, it is as joyful an occasion as a Father running to greet a son he thought lost, even dead."   

My Story - Moving Forward Towards Healing

My beloved husband is an engineering professor, and I've heard him talk more than once about the importance of engineers correctly identifying the problem before they pursue finding a solution. 

Though it was hard in some ways to admit that I had OCD, I am very thankful that it was identified correctly.  In The Obsessive-Compulsive Trap, Dr. Mark Crawford writes that "the average person sees 3-4 doctors and spends over 9 years seeking treatment before receiving a correct diagnosis" (p. 10).  He also writes that "some studies have found that it takes an average of 17 years from the time OCD begins for people to obtain appropriate treatment" (10).  Upon receiving my diagnosis of OCD, together my husband and I set on a course for appropriate treatment.

I found new hope and valid treatment options after facing the truth of my diagnosis.  I see God's fingerprints throughout my journey and how He has used different provisions to bring me healing.  I am currently enjoying a life of victory (not perfection, but victory!) over OCD.

My healing process underscored for me how important it is for us to be honest with ourselves and with God about our weaknesses.  I believe that when we come to Him with our honesty, He compassionately offers us sufficient grace.  When we choose to accept His grace, His power is perfected in our weakness. 

Note:  If you are reading and you have OCD too, I have a very tender heart for you!  And please know that you are in good company... John Bunyan, Winston Churchill, and Martin Luther are some of the historical figures who probably showed significant symptoms of OCD (Crawford p. 10).

My Story - My Diagnosis

As far back as I can remember I was an intense thinker.  It was not uncommon for me as a child to fall asleep at night while trying to fathom answers to questions such as, "What would it be like if absolutely nothing existed?"  I would picture a white space or a black space in my mind with 'nothing' in it, but as I continued to analyze it I would think, "Well, even space is something!", and I could never quite fathom absolutely nothing existing.  I would cycle through pondering a variety of such questions.

The pondering and analysis grew more intense as I got older.  It did not occur to me that intense thinking and questioning could, at its extremes, be related to a mental illness.  But I was forced to face the truth that something was wrong when my life started falling apart about a year after I graduated from college.  I was officially diagnosed with having obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) in 2006.

Some time following my diagnosis I learned about 'scrupulosity' (obsession over religious and moral thoughts), and I also discovered that OCD had manifested itself in different ways through many years of my life.  In addition to scrupulosity, at different times in my life I have struggled with OCD in regards to washing and cleaning, repeating, and pure obsessions. As Hyman and Pedrick note, "it is common for people with OCD to suffer from a variety of OCD symptoms" (p. 9).

Though it was not easy to admit that I had a mental illness, the diagnosis and acceptance of the fact was a very important and helpful part of my journey toward recovery.

Note: The phrase 'pure obsessions' implies the "presence of obsessive thoughts without accompanying overtly performed compulsions" Hyman and Pedrick, p. 8.

My Story - Defining OCD and Scrupulosity

Two of the books that I used under the guidance of a Christian counselor were The Obsessive-Compulsive Trap: Real Help for a Real Struggle by Dr. Mark Crawford and some sections of The OCD Workbook: Second Edition: Your Guide to Breaking Free from Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder by Bruce M. Hyman, Ph.D. and Cherry Pedrick, RN.  

To begin exploring the terms OCD and scrupulosity:

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) - There are "millions of people who have obsessive-compulsive disorder, or OCD.  They struggle with a neurobiological disorder that fills their minds with unwanted thoughts...They are not a rare group.  About one of forty people has OCD.  Obsessive-compulsive disorder is characterized by obsessions and/or compulsions that are time-consuming, distressing, and/or interfere with normal routines, relationships with others, or daily functioning" (Hyman and Pedrick p. 7).  People with OCD may fall into one or more groups of basic types of OCD, including checkers, washers and cleaners, orderers and repeaters, hoarders, pure obsessionals, and people with scrupulosity (p. 7-8).

Scrupulosity - "People with scrupulosity obsess about religious, ethical, or moral issues" (Hyman and Pedrick p. 8).  "Does having strong religious beliefs increase the likelihood of having scrupulosity OCD? Strong religious beliefs are not the cause of OCD", recognizing OCD as a neurobehavioral disorder. Strong religious beliefs are "only the grist for the OCD mill in a person who is biologically predisposed to it. Remember that OCD is 'the doubting disease.' As such, it attacks, undermines, and wreaks havoc with the very foundation of who you are and who you know yourself to be.  If strong religious beliefs were not present in the individual, the OCD would surely take a different form, such as contamination fears or checking compulsions, for example.  Scrupulosity OCD takes well-intended beliefs and precepts and blows them out of proportion.  The true moral and spiritual aspects of the individual's character become fused with the OCD, and thus become distorted and corrupted" (p. 139).

Note: Another source that I have been advised to consult is http://www.nami.org/. NAMI is not a Christian organization, but it has resources for OCD and other mental illnesses that are valid and useful.  This source was recommended to me by a highly respected Christian psychiatrist.

  

My Story - Paralysis of Analysis and OCD

I think that asking questions about one's faith, especially when asked with right motives, can be a very healthy and important part of the process of strengthening one's faith.  The process of wrestling through my honest questions has drawn me closer to God and has strengthened my faith that God is real, that the Bible is reliable and trustworthy, and that Jesus alone is "the way, the truth, and the life" (John 14:6).  And I have found that, as the Bible teaches, that God delights to reveal Himself to those who truly seek Him.

But even though I am an advocate of humbly bringing our questions to God and bringing them out in the open among trusted friends and family, I do think that obsession with questions can be a big problem. Even if one is earnestly and sincerely seeking to know God, obsession with questions can be unhealthy, interfere with a true relationship with the God of grace, confuse one's understanding and practice of a life of faith (not blind faith, but faith based on evidence) and disrupt other areas of the life that God intends for us.   I look back over my life and see a person who has honestly and consistently wanted to know the truth through searching out answers to my questions; however, obsession over questions resulted in unhealthy patterns (such as sleep disruption), distraction from my relationship with the God of grace, confused my understanding and practice of living by the Biblical model of faith, and disrupted other areas of my life to the point that I could not function at times.  I would get stuck in a paralysis of analysis while obsessing over the pursuit of perfect and complete answers to all my questions. Thus I would be paralyzed from moving forward or making good decisions based on reasonable, sound evidence.

For years I struggled with such patterns, and I did not know that I was also struggling with a mental illness called OCD.

My Story - Questions and Doubts

It was probably not obvious to anyone else that I was on an intense search for truth. I wanted a God of love and heaven to all be true. But if I was going to be honest about it, if God and heaven were not really real, was it a good idea to give my heart to a belief that was only fictitious? Just because I wanted something to be real did not make it real.

So, particularly in high school and college, I asked all kinds of questions about the veracity of God, Jesus, and the Bible. I had a deep need to be intellectually honest as I pursued the knowledge of God. I could not see God with my eyes, touch Him with my hands, or hear Him with my ears. Was there any good, legitimate evidence that He was real?

My questions to God were more incessant than a three-year old asking, "Why?". I delight in my three-year-old's curiosity and questions, but I can tire of all of her questions after some time. I'm so thankful that God delights in my pursuing the knowledge of Him and that He does not grow impatient with all my questions. Sometimes the answers to my questions have been crystal clear, sometimes I can't fully understand the answer that is given, and sometimes I get the sense that "I won't understand it until I'm older" or in heaven.

I have found that my three-year-old still trusts me even when my best answer to her has been, "I can't explain it." She hasn't written me off as completely untrustworthy just because I haven't answered all of her questions to her satisfaction. In a similar way, I have had to learn how to trust God even though not all of my questions have been answered with evidence beyond the shadow of a doubt. (But what a great joy that many of my questions have been answered, and my trust in the veracity of the God of the Bible has grown tremendously!).

As I pursued the knowledge of God, I found evidence, more questions, evidence, more questions, evidence, and more questions.  I firmly believe that God wants us to use the minds and reason that He has given us, but when we find that our understanding is finite, He wants us to keep trusting the One Whose understanding is infinite. At some point near the end of high school the evidence had satisfied my mind enough that I decided to respond to God with such trust. And just as He promised He would, Jesus saved me.
 

Did everything become all rosy after I became a Christian? No. Did I still have doubts that this God and the Bible were true? Honestly, yes. I still had tons of questions, and, though I did not know my diagnosis of OCD at the time, looking back I can see how a type of OCD called 'scrupulosity' was contributing even more to my cycle of constant questions and doubts.

Beloved Prodigal of Infinite Worth

Before I continue with my story, I want to keep in perspective God's heart toward us as He exposes weaknesses in our lives.

For years I kept hearing that God loved me and was gracious and kind and merciful.  However, if you had asked me to be honest about what I usually believed about God, I would have described a being who was consistently angry, who would heap condemnation on me for sin, and who was too harsh for me to approach in the midst of my weaknesses. Thankfully, I now know the true God of the Bible, and I am confident that my old view of a God who was harsh toward His children was a wrong view of God. 

In Living Free Beth Moore writes, "He [God] never sheds light on our weaknesses or shortcomings for the sake of condemnation (Rom. 8:1).  God makes us aware of hindrances so He can set us free!" (p. 56). "Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus" - Romans 8:1. 


Many people may relate being too aware of one's weaknesses with having low self-esteem.  I disagree.  God paid the highest price possible for me to be with Him for all of eternity - the price of the blood of His Son - so in fact I am a person of infinite value and worth.  So being aware of our weaknesses does not mean that we should walk with low self-esteem.  Rather, we should walk with confidence and joy because we are children of God, who loves us enough to be honest with us.  That is, He is honest with us in exposing our weaknesses so that He may heal us, strengthen us, and set us free. "It is for freedom that Christ has set us free." - Galatians 5:1.

Indeed, "...everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted." - Luke 18:14.


Beth Moore writes in Living Free, "When we see God as He is, we automatically see ourselves as we are. We fall on our faces because of His greatness....  Low self-esteem means I see myself as low - not because God is great, but because I have so little value.... When I recognize the greatness of God, I fall on my face before Him, but I also see myself in a new light.  Because I am the loved creation of so great a Maker, I cannot help but be a person of great worth.  Low self-esteem has nothing to do with real humility.  Pride is self-absorption, whether we're absorbed with how miserable we are or how wonderful we are.  Humility is God-focused not self-focused" (p. 44).

Praise God that He delights for His beloved prodigals (of infinite worth!) to honestly bring Him our weaknesses, struggles, and sins, so that we may find His perfect love, mercy, and grace to meet us where we are. He delights in His children through the lifetime process of our being transformed "into His likeness with ever-increasing glory"- 2 Cor. 3:18

Note:  When I use the term 'weakness', it does not necessarily refer to sin. We are imperfect human beings, and we all have weaknesses of some kind or another.  And, yes, we also all have sinned too. "All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." - Romans 6:23.  

Thanks for taking that detour with me. Now, to continue with my story...

My Story - Childhood and Adolescence

I had a great childhood and adolescence with a wonderful family, many opportunities, and many successes.   Ever since I can remember, I enjoyed school, I was a high achiever academically, and I was driven to do the very best I could throughout my education.  I won the second grade spelling bee with the word 'llama', I consistently made among the highest grades in almost every subject through all levels of school, and upon graduation I was the valedictorian of a high school ranked among the top in the nation.  I was a National Merit Scholar, and upon earning two degrees in college I had a record of all A's (save one B), including in the classes that were part of an elite honors program.   By such evidences, my mind seemed to work quite well. 

What was not so obvious to others about my mind was my bondage to thinking patterns of doubt and fear.  I struggled with ongoing fears that my parents would suddenly die, I feared that I would fail at my goals, I feared people's opinions of me, and most of all I feared death and what might happen after death.

I did not have the courage to share my fears openly, but I prayed often in some hope of finding deliverance from my fears.  But even though I prayed often, I did not know who I was praying to and I did not find much relief from fear.  And I struggled with very basic but important questions.  How could I be confident that God even existed?  Was the Bible really God's Word, or just another book made by man?  If God did exist, how could I trust that He cared about me and had answers for my fears?

Unlike my success in academics, I failed at knowing God in my own strength.  

My Story - The Weakness of a Diagnosed Mental Disorder

Please don't stop reading because of the title! Mental health is not something that is commonly or comfortably discussed in the Christian community. There are a lot of assumptions, misunderstandings, unknowns, and stigmas that can make the topic of mental health uncomfortable.

But, because God's power is perfected in weaknesses, I would like to write freely about some of my journey with God through the land of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder.

I was diagnosed with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) about four years ago, but with the knowledge that I have now, I can see evidences that I have struggled with OCD for most of my life since childhood. I cannot say that "I am cured" since OCD is a brain disorder that I will likely have for the rest of my life, but I and others in my life agree that I have learned how to walk in consistent victory over OCD. So rather than being daily conquered by OCD, I am living as more than a conqueror. I still need to grow -- that's certain! -- but in future posts I would like to share some things I have learned along the way about being a Christian with a diagnosed mental disorder.

"River of Mercy"

How can we be honest with ourselves about our weaknesses, struggles, and sins?

How can we be honest with God about them?

Since very early in my journey with Christ, I have been intent on learning from the Christians who seem to be the most genuine and who seem to know God very intimately. One of these people is Beth Moore. Largely due to the examples of Beth Moore's authenticity, transparency, and genuine passion for Christ, I have grown in facing my own weaknesses, bringing them with honesty to God, and then embracing the grace that He so gladly offers for each weakness, struggle, and sin. Following is a poem by Beth Moore from her book Further Still, page 63, which I think addresses at least part of the answer to the above questions. We can be honest with ourselves and with God because of His glorious river of mercy.

"River of Mercy" by Beth Moore

"There is a river of mercy

Just beyond the pride

Down the street from secrecy

Around the bend from lies.

No signs that say 'No Trespassing'

No need to sneak in fear

Turn right beyond the marker saying,

'Bring your trespass here.'

The waters there are brisk and clear;

The bank is never steep.

Quick waters smooth the pebbles clean

So enter with bare feet.

I'll meet you in that river

If you'll come with no disguise.

Bring to me your honesty

And let the waters rise.

They'll cover every guilty stain

And rinse away each sin.

Splash in my refreshment, Child,

Go ahead! Dive in!

There is a river of mercy

Come and freely swim

My Son is waiting at the gate

And He'll escort you in."

Power Perfected in Weakness

"But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." - 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

I have spent most of my life working hard to hide my weaknesses and to highlight my strengths. But now, because of Christ's loving and powerful work in me, I would like to spend the rest of my life highlighting my weaknesses so that Christ's glorious strength may be seen.

Through sharing my personal story and insights, I would like to testify to the truth of Paul's words in 2 Corinthians 12:9-10.  Paul's words were definitely hard for me to swallow for years, but by God's grace I am delighting in learning how Paul's words are the absolute truth. I am also enjoying the reality of how this truth can open the door to a life of increasing victory, freedom, and power in Christ in my day-to-day life. My weaknesses are many, so I have many ways to testify to the perfect sufficiency of God's grace!

I don't claim to have all the answers -- in fact I still have lots of questions!! My heart in this journal is to keep growing in the knowledge of Christ and to dialogue openly with others who are on the journey as well.

May God encourage each of us on our journey, and may we increasingly delight ourselves in the Lord as He displays His perfect power in our (I'm assuming you have weaknesses, too?) weaknesses. I invite you to share your thoughts with me!