Moving day arrived about two months ago, and along with it came a new city and new responsibilities. Numerous decisions filled the weeks before and after moving.
Such a major change as moving can bring decision-making stress on anyone, and OCD amplifies the difficulty of dealing with such stress. I had some times of OCD battles and hyperventilation syndrome (HVS) related to some of the moving decisions, but I fought hard with the tools I have learned to use against OCD/HVS. I earnestly sought to trust and obey God. I tried to follow the principles of decision-making that I wrote about last October. With great thankfulness, I now look back and see how God was faithfully providing through that time. Once again, His power was perfected in my weakness.
The last two months have included another decision-making struggle: over-analysis after the decision. For example, I recently committed to a service position for my kids' schooling for the coming year. Though I battled a lot of OCD thoughts during the decision process, I finally arrived at a decision with confidence. But the confidence didn't last long after the decision. I was trying to trust God with the results of my decision, but I was also tempted to analyze the decision again and again. What if I hadn't made the best decision? What if I would regret it? What if...?
Here's what I have come to after battling such over-analysis: When I worry and allow my thoughts to loop in the endless "what if" cycle, my ability to function decreases and my ability to sense God's perspective is clouded. Moreover, if I realize that the decision I made wasn't the best one after all, I can't get back on a better path if I stay stuck in over-analyzing the past. Mentally beating myself up for having made a less-than-best decision won't help either. I believe that God wants me to learn from poor decisions so that I can make better ones in the future, but He doesn't want me to be paralyzed by worry or guilt. Rather, He wants me to receive His love and guidance, and He wants me to move on to the next step of obedience with trust in Him.
So I've learned I have to be on the alert for OCD before AND after I make decisions. And either way, I need to trust in God's ability to make my path straight as I seek Him (Proverbs 3:5-6) rather than in my own ability to arrive at just the right decision.
