My Story - My Spiritual Tantrums

This post comes from my reply to the comment in my previous post, "God and My Car Accident":

The suffering that we experience (or fear "what if?" we will experience) can seem overwhelming at times, can't it? Difficulties and suffering have overwhelmed me many times, and I could not fathom how God was still good through it all. I have even yelled at God before, accusing Him of wrongdoing, and so frustrated that He did not do things the way I thought He should. 

I think it's dangerous to get stuck in such a place of accusing God or writing Him off as NOT good, but I am very thankful for His love through my honesty with Him.  In fact, I have found it much better to be honest with Him about my feelings than to pretend that I'm not mad at Him. He knows it anyway, and I really can't move forward until I'm honest with Him and with myself. 

Yes, He has steadfastly loved me even when I have been in those places of spiritual tantrums. If you have seen a toddler throw tantrums, you can picture how a child can accuse her father of wrongdoing even when he has been doing what is good and best for her all along!.

God has loved me through my honesty and raging emotions. And -- when I choose to move forward with Him in His ways and in His timing -- He has faithfully brought me through the process to realize and rejoice in the truth of His goodness once again. Easy? No. Worth it? Yes.

My Story - God and My Car Accident

I have been overwhelmed with God's peace and amazed at His grace. By His peace and by His grace, OCD did not dictate my response to the car accident.  When I was in the hospital and heard that my injury could be much worse than I had thought, I had a serious fight with OCD temptations. But ultimately I did not give in to the temptations, and before long I was able to make decisions apart from the influence of OCD. 

I have also been overwhelmed by God's provision: the fire station being right across the street from the accident, my friend and her daughter who "just happened" to be there at the right time to take my husband and me to the hospital and to take care of my children, and protection from what could have been a much more serious accident.

God's overwhelming peace and provision.  It should seem easy when telling this story to say that God is good.  But what would I say if the results had been different?  What if someone in my family had been seriously injured or killed?  What if God's provision and peace had not been so obvious?  The Bible tells me that God is always good, no matter the circumstances.  But -- being absolutely honest -- would I still be able to say that God is good, even if the circumstance had been one of great pain and loss?  

My Story - I Was In A Car Accident Last Week

My husband and two kids and I were on our way to a weekly Monday night Bible study at our friends' house.  I never saw the other car coming, but suddenly our car spun and came to a stop and I realized we had been hit.  I said to my husband, "Just tell me what to do," and he said to call 911 while he got the kids out of the car.  I stepped out of the car to lots of onlookers.  I didn't think that I had been seriously hurt, but my head was feeling a little strange so I found a spot on the ground to sit down.  Suddenly my good friend's daughter appeared and comforted me, and soon my friend appeared too.  (I discovered later that she had been picking her daughter up from band practice on the other side of town and just happened to be at the intersection within a few seconds of the accident.)  Emergency personnel had arrived quickly too. (I discovered later that the accident happened just across the street from the fire station. They heard the wreck and came right over.)

Our car was totalled, but I soon discovered that my children and husband had not been injured.  I became aware that two spots on my head were quite sore, though.  I figured that they were just small bumps from having hit the side of the car, and I assumed the bumps weren't a big deal.  However, my husband and friend recommended I get it checked out at the ER. When I saw a reflection of myself in a car window, I discovered why.  Apparently the four-inch long lump on my forehead was a clear indicator that it was worth getting a doctor's opinion. 

After examination, the doctor said I could go home but to return to the hospital if my symptoms worsened. I'm still very thankful, almost a week later, that I have healed much more quickly than I expected and it never got worse.  We don't have a car anymore, but all of us are healthy and safe. 

My Story - Honesty Is Hard...But Good

As I have grown in understanding the depth of Christ's love and the power of the cross, it has been easier to be honest with myself and with God about my struggles and sins.  

But what motivated me to be honest with God when I didn't trust in His love or the cross?

(1) One motivation was that I realized that God knows everything anyway.  I could pretend that He didn't know the true me, but I would just be fooling myself.

(2) Also, it only made sense to me that if I was going to discover truth about God, I also needed to be truthful about myself.

(3) If doing something hard like being honest with myself and with God had the potential to set me free, then I decided that kind of hard choice was worth it.

As I heard musician Dennis Jernigan share, if you go to doctors but you don't tell them where it hurts, they cannot help you. Likewise, when we come to the healer of our souls, He wants us to tell Him "where it hurts" so that He can help us. I used to fear condemnation if I was honest with God about my sins. But I eventually realized that Jesus came into the world to save us, not to condemn us (John 3:17).  He wants us to be honest about where we hurt, struggle, and sin so that He can heal us!  In my own journey I have found that honesty has been extremely important in finding healing and freedom. 

That is why I included "Absolute honesty with self and God" as the first principle that I need to practice in order to grow in my understanding of God's love and the power of the cross. (See the "cross chart" on the second slide of Learning to Live the Spirit-Filled Life (v2-20-2011b)). Scrupulosity OCD, doubts about the Bible, depression, fear, and other struggles were hard to be honest about, but I never would have found freedom if I hadn't first said, "Lord, this is where it hurts."

My Story - Refreshed!

God has brought me through a series of humbling and difficult lessons over the last few weeks, but I've experienced Him doing a great work in my heart as a result.  Though of course I have not mastered all the lessons He's been teaching me, I sensed this morning that the horrible feeling of bondage to sin had lifted as I approached God with a sincere heart of surrender.  These last few weeks I have been holding onto some sin patterns rather than choosing to follow God's principles, and of course that resulted in all kinds of defeat.  But I have repented and am refreshed now in His forgiveness and power. Also, I am glad to once again be able to sincerely affirm that it is never worth it to walk outside of His will into any kind of sin, no matter how "small" the sin may seem. 

And I was particularly delighted this morning to read the following by Charles Stanley when I opened this month's "From The Pastor's Heart" newsletter:  "Do you realize what an awesome blessing our inadequacies are?  Life presents all kinds of problems and tests that are much more than we can handle on our own.  We may feel overwhelmed by our difficulties and find ourselves thinking, This challenge is much greater than I am, and I don't know what to do.  I need help.  It is then -- and sometimes only then -- that we turn to our loving heavenly Father in prayer."  Stanley notes that it is when we are in such a position of admitting our need for the Father's help that we are "able to experience the awesome provision and victory that God has for [us] because [we're] ready to obey whatever He commands."  

Thank You, God, for bringing me through the valley to the victory, and for changing my heart of stubborn self-will into a heart eager to obey You.  

My Story - Embracing the Cross that Bridges the Gap

It's been humbling to admit again that I am still in daily need of Christ's forgiveness and grace. My awareness of the huge gap between God's perfect righteousness and my sinfulness has been growing.  For most of my life as a Christian, my response to this awareness was to get discouraged and to live under a huge weight of guilt and self-condemnation.  I would think that there was no way that God could love such a sinner as me, and I would not forgive myself nor trust in His forgiveness. And this was all made worse by my functioning as a captive to scrupulosity OCD.

However, a turning point came when I realized that I was putting the focus on myself -- my failures, my sins, my regrets -- rather than focusing on Christ -- Christ's victory, Christ's forgiveness, Christ's redemption.  The chart on the second page of Learning to Live the Spirit-Filled Life (v2-20-2011b) illustrates how our appreciation of the cross can grow when our awareness of the gap between God's righteousness and our sinfulness grows.  And, if I focus upward on Christ rather than focusing on myself, my view of the cross is enlarged.  And as I realize how huge the cross must be to bridge the gap between God's righteousness and my sinfulness, my appreciation of the vastness of Jesus' love for me grows.  Because of this appreciation, the weight of guilt that I used to constantly carry has often been replaced by thankfulness, joy, and freedom in my dear Savior.

It has been painful these last weeks to honestly acknowledge an ongoing struggle with sin, but it has been a good reminder of my ongoing need for the cross.  I need a Savior in a big way.  And when I look away from myself and up at the cross, I see that God's grace is indeed sufficient, even for me in all my weaknesses and sins.  Thank You, Lord Jesus, for the cross.

Credit:  The chart referenced above was inspired by The Cross Chart from the "Sonship" manual year 2002, page 167, http://www.whm.org/sonship .

My Story - Struggling

Over the last few weeks I have been struggling a lot with selfishness, impatience, lack of contentment, and discouragement.  I have been focusing on attaining my ideal circumstances rather than focusing on God and His promises.  And though I have been fighting not to give into all these temptations, I have lost several of the battles.  In addition, I have been struggling with lingering guilt even after I confess my sins to God and choose to repent.  Living in victory, experiencing God's power, and walking in the Spirit have not  characterized most of my recent days.  So as I begin to explain the first slide of Learning to Live the Spirit-Filled Life (v2-20-2011b), I find that I am in great need to be reminded of these principles and to put them into practice once again.

My Story - Object of My Faith?

To better explain the slides from Learning to Live the Spirit-Filled Life (v2-20-2011b) I want to first clarify some of my perspectives on the concept of 'faith'.

'Faith' is one of those words that is used in many different ways. I'm using the word 'faith' in the sense of  (1) trusting that someone will do what they said they would do AND (2) trusting that someone will be who they said they would be.

I was challenged a few years ago by this question:  "What is the object of your faith?"

When I honestly considered who or what I was really trusting in as I sought to follow Christ, I realized that often the object of my faith was not Christ.  Rather than trusting in Christ to do what He said He would do as recorded in the Bible, I was either (1) trusting in my own efforts or (2) trusting in the popular-but-unbiblical concept of "faith in faith".   No wonder I knew little of Christ's power in my daily life. 

As more than one person has said, "faith is only as good as the object on which it is placed" (http://www.equip.org/articles/faith-in-faith-or-faith-in-god- by Hank Hanegraaff).  Hanegraaff goes on to say, "It is not our faith that sits on the throne, but our sovereign God (1 Chron. 29:10-12)."  As I have chosen to transfer my trust to Christ Himself rather than the size of my faith or my own ability to have faith, I have regularly experienced Christ's power and peace in ways I did not before.  And my faith in Christ has grown as a result :)

My Story - Learning to Live the Spirit-Filled Life

The following link is a PowerPoint presentation of some of the key principles that I have learned over this twelve+ year journey.  I have used these slides in group discussion and presentation. I plan to elaborate on these slides in future posts.  Here's the link:
Learning to Live the Spirit-Filled Life (v2-20-2011b)

I know now from the experience of regularly applying these principles that God's commands are not burdensome, and that Christ does give abundant life.  Now I love God from my heart, and I regularly experience the Spirit producing fruit in my life.  I have been living a victorious life for more than a year and a half.  Perfectly?  No. Consistently?  Yes.  I still have plenty of frustrations, trials, and sin struggles, but these no longer daily defeat me like they used to.  

I've come a long way on this journey from where I began, but I know I still have a long way to go!  As always, I invite any comments you have -- I'm eager to learn from others on the journey!

My Story - No Peace With My Faith

Though I finally came to peace that there wasn't a contradiction between James and other books of the Bible, it took me a lot longer to come to peace about my own faith.  I was often paralyzed by scrupulosity OCD as I analyzed whether or not I had true, saving faith. Moreover -- even if I did have true faith -- I felt frustrated and defeated in trying to live out God's high calling to obedience.  

Since my early days of seeking to know God, I worked hard to try to obey God and to do good works because I thought that God wanted me to.  But this did not bring me the peace I was longing for.  I struggled:

• Why did my efforts to obey seem like a burden, when God says that His "commands are not burdensome" (1 John 5:3)?  
• Why did the Christian life often seem like a choking chain rather than the "abundant life" offered by Christ (John 10:10)? 
• Why did I often resent God rather than loving Him (Matthew 22:37)? 
•  Why did I rarely experience the fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22)?

I was deeply frustrated with the gap between my daily experience and what the Bible teaches can be the reality of a deep, intimate relationship with God.  I was tired of living in defeat.  This longing in my soul resulted in a twelve+ year journey of searching and discovering, applying and testing Biblical principles of how to live victoriously in Christ.  So where am I on this journey now?  See my next post...

Note:  If you have OCD, I want to encourage you not to get caught up in overanalyzing such questions about your own faith like I did.  It is worth asking God whether your faith is true or not -- Paul does tell us to examine our own faith (2 Cor. 13:5) -- but I am convinced that this examining does NOT mean through constant analysis or obsession.  It's a deception and danger to get stuck there.  Some principles that I will share in a link in my next post have been keys to my moving forward (1) out of obsession over such questions about if I had true, saving faith (2) into freedom from OCD and (3) into confidence that I do have true, saving faith.  

And one more note -- it all takes time.  I have rarely experienced huge changes overnight, but by God's grace I have been persevering through the learning process that He knows has been good for me to go through.  And it's been worth it.

My Story - Peace with James

In my previous post, I quoted James 2:24:  "You see that a man is justified by works and not by faith alone."  Doesn't that contradict Ephesians 2:8-9, Romans 3:28, and many other verses in the Bible?

I have come to believe that there is no contradiction when these books of the BIble are read in context.  I believe that James's statements complement -- rather than contradict -- the verses that clearly teach salvation is only by grace through faith, and not by works.  I agree with the following note from the NASB Life Application Study Bible (2000): 

• "While it is true that our good works can never earn salvation, true faith always results in a changed life and good works.  Paul speaks against those who try to be saved by works instead of true faith; James speaks against those who confuse mere intellectual assent with true faith.  After all, even demons know who Jesus is, but they don't obey Him ([James] 2:19)." (p. 2189). 

Any comments on this topic you'd like to share?

My Story - An OCD Perspective on Faith and Obedience

Since my earliest days as a Christian, I felt strongly that obeying God was important.  However, I was also keenly aware that I often did not obey God.  I wrestled for years with what it means to walk by faith, to obey, and how faith and obedience are related.

The books of James and 1 John greatly challenged me during these years.  As someone with scrupulosity OCD, I usually reacted to these books with (1) guilt that I had not obeyed "enough" and (2) fear that I really did not have saving faith.  Some people suggested that these two books contradict what the Bible teaches about salvation by grace through faith, and I did not know what to make of that. And if James and 1 John really contradicted the rest of the Bible, then that meant there was something wrong with the Bible which would mean that the Bible is not trustworthy -- and those of you with OCD can imagine what kind of tailspin this got me into with questions and doubts!

For example, in James 2:24 it says, "You see that a man is justified by works and not by faith alone." Whoa!  Doesn't that contradict Ephesians 2:8-9, "For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God; not as a result of works, so that no one may boast" ?  

And in 1 John 2:4-6 it says, "The one who says, 'I have come to know Him,' and does not keep His commandments, is a liar, and the truth is not in him; but whoever keeps His word, in him the love of God has truly been perfected.  By this we know that we are in Him: the one who says he abides in Him ought himself to walk in the same manner as He walked."  Whoa!  Does that mean that if I do not perfectly keep His commandments that I am not saved ?

Before I go on, I would love to hear your thoughts on this topic.  Any comments?

Note: For those of you with OCD, I want to encourage you not to get caught up in overanalyzing these passages or other ones like I did! These passages are worth thinking about, but overanalyzing and obsessing over them is a trap, and in my experience it does much more harm than good. 

My Story - Living By Faith

In my recent post, "My Story - Faith Is Not A Feeling", I wrote:  

"I live by faith when I respond in trust and obedience to what God reveals to me to do, to say, or how to adjust my thinking.  I live by faith when I take Him at His Word by obeying the principles and commands He sets forth in Scripture."

Such a close linking of "faith" and "obedience" may elicit various responses, such as: (1) people with scrupulosity OCD might say,"I know that salvation is by grace through faith alone and not by works, but I think that God still wants us to obey exactly what He says to do.  I try so hard to obey all the time, but I still feel guilty that I haven't done good enough!"  (2) others might say, " I have faith that Jesus is my Savior, so it doesn't matter whether I obey or not!"

In my opinion, neither of these extreme reactions embodies what the Bible teaches.  For most of my years as a Christian, I had the extreme reaction of trying so hard to obey and feeling burdened with guilt since I could never obey perfectly.  But my thoughts on how to live by faith -- and how obedience relates to that -- have changed dramatically over time.  In coming posts I'll share some more of my journey of learning how to live by faith.

My Story - Growing Up In Faith

When I left my young children with babysitters for the first times, I knew that it would be difficult for them, at least at first, without the knowledge of my physical presence there.  But though they may have felt abandoned, the reality was that I had left them in good hands to take care of them, I had made provision for what they would need while I was not physically present, and I was coming back to them at the proper time.

Of course this analogy breaks down at points, but it has encouraged me:  When I am facing a new kind of challenging experience, I know that I am still being taken care of by my Heavenly Father, He is still providing for me though it may be in ways different than before, and He has promised to come back at the proper time.

Such times can be very difficult, but I have found that they are necessary and work for my ultimate good.  Just as it would be sad if my children still had the maturity of two-year-olds when they were twenty-years-old, it would be sad if I stayed a "child" in my walk with God.  Thus I can still rejoice when I confront weaknesses and hardships, for I know that such experiences are used for my growing up.  Like those in the "Hall of Faith" in Hebrews 11, I want it to be said of me that I was among those "whose weakness was turned to strength" (Hebrews 11:34).

Furthermore, I would say that almost nothing has been a greater encouragement to my faith than experiencing God's power made perfect in my weaknesses time and time again!  It took me a long time to learn that adversity can be an invitation to see God work in amazing ways in me, through me, and around me. For most of my life I said 'no' to such invitations, choosing instead the (false) "security" of living life my own way. Thus, through disobedience in going my own way I closed the door many times to the provision, deliverance, and growth that God was longing to give to me. But as I have experienced His faithfulness time and time again, I am increasingly eager to say 'yes' to His commands and even 'yes, I choose to take this opportunity to trust You' when adversity comes.

God has convinced me, as Beth Moore says, that His commands and principles are "green lights" for my ultimate good and joy. Don't get me wrong, I'm not out asking for adversity to come my way, but I am increasingly seeing adversity as an invitation to take the next step in the adventure of knowing God and growing up in Him.  As I have said 'yes' by taking the often difficult steps of obedience and trust, He has been faithful to fulfill His promises to deliver me and to strengthen me.  Moreover, He has proven time and time again that getting to know Him through such experiences is worth it.

Being reminded of these principles has encouraged me to not be so stressed about the challenges that made last week difficult.  Does that mean that this coming week will be easier?  Not necessarily.  But it does mean that I have renewed hope and have learned once again how to rejoice in the face of challenging circumstances.

- Romans 8:37-39 
- 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

My Story - Faith Is Not A Feeling

"Faith is not a feeling" has been one of the toughest lessons that I have learned as a Christian.  I experienced tremendous excitement and the heights of joy when I first became a Christian, but I felt startled and distraught when the feelings went away.  I immediately began to analyze -- in scrupulous OCD style -- what the problem was and why my feelings had changed.  "Had I sinned too greatly?  Was I really saved?  Was the Bible true?  Was God real?"  I went to all kinds of extremes in my thinking and questioning.  The problem, however, was that I had not yet realized that faith is not a feeling.

The sense of God's presence is extraordinary and something to be enjoyed for sure, but I have learned that such feelings are not a reliable indicator nor prerequisite for genuine faith in God.  I live by faith when I respond in trust and obedience to what God reveals to me to do, to say, or how to adjust my thinking.  I live by faith when I take Him at His Word by obeying the principles and commands He sets forth in Scripture.  Sometimes this feels great, and sometimes, as one pastor put it, obedience can "feel like death"!  But it is still faith.

So I learned this lesson a long time ago, but I still struggled through the challenges of last week.  I have been experiencing the sense of God's presence, voice, and leading so often over the last year, so to go a whole week with a sense of distance from Him was particularly hard.  But, as someone else has put it, "hard does not mean bad". Such hard experiences have often been used by God in my journey to grow me up in new and wonderful ways.

My Story - New Territory

This past week with our new dog has been rewarding and challenging. I enjoy her a lot and am so thankful that she is part of our family. But, as I found with parenting my two children, there is a lot of time and work involved in training her well, fostering relationships between her and my children, meeting her needs, and working out logistics like schedules and routines.  This all has been stretching for me, something that I call "new territory".  

And though I believe that our dog Emma is a gift from God and I can see His provision over this past week, it has been a harder week for me as far as "hearing God's voice", sensing His presence, and being confident of His leading.  I have struggled some with hyperventilation syndrome and have had times of discouragement.  And time alone with God to talk with Him about my challenges has been harder to find as our family has been adjusting to Emma's needs and schedule. 

I woke early this morning and had extra time to spend alone with God.  I expressed to Him my discouragement and how much I missed the sense of His voice, presence, and leading.  Were things not better in the old territory, Lord?  Through my time with Him this morning, God drew together a lesson that I think He has been re-teaching me this week:  Faith Is Not A Feeling.

My Story - Recent Downs and Ups

A recent down:  About a week ago I started having minor symptoms of hyperventilation syndrome (HVS) for the first time in quite a while.  It started around a time of stress related to several decisions and more deadlines than usual.  I was quite discouraged at first -- and I am honestly still struggling with the HVS and discouragement off and on -- but I'm able to fight it by God's grace much more effectively than when I first experienced major HVS.  I'm taking great hope in God's faithfulness to teach me through this experience and to give me sufficient grace to live victoriously over this, in His good time, process, and ways.  

A recent up:  Today I enjoyed huge success over a past OCD-related stronghold.  Today my husband, kids, and I adopted our first dog -- a 30 pound lab mix named Emma.  Since I used to think dogs were "just dirty and highly likely to make me sick", my willingness to adopt her at all is a testimony to God's work in my life.  And what a joy God gave me today when, without hesitation and without spinning in OCD analysis, I invited Emma onto my lap and enjoyed her as she licked my hands, arms, and neck.  God's grace has been sufficient once again, even for dog slobber! :)

Notes On Previous Post

As a follow-up to my previous post, some notes for those reading who have responded to the evidence but still feel like they are in the dark:

  

In my personal experience, my steps of faith have rarely brought about immediate clarity.  My steps of faith have often felt like steps through a dark forest, but I want to remind myself and to encourage you to keep taking those steps.  God is faithful to bring us into the light in His perfect timing and ways. Let's not give up!

And for those with scrupulosity OCD... after reading the previous post you may think, "Okay, so I need to work harder and harder to recognize my sins, to repent of my sins, and then it will be easy to see God." Be careful...remember that it is easy for humans, and maybe especially for those with scrupulosity OCD, to go to extremes. We do need to repent of our sins, but don't forget to focus on the cross and God's marvelous forgiveness, grace, and love.  A focus on sins becomes a focus on self.  I believe that the Bible, such as in Hebrews 12:1-2, calls us to focus on God, not on ourselves and not even on our sins. A focus on God is a huge step towards freedom.

Also, I have found that if I am trying to forsake my sins in my own strength, I will not be able to.  I have had to learn how to forsake sins and walk by faith in the power of the Holy Spirit. I hope to share more thoughts on this in future posts. 

Why Isn't the Evidence for God Clearer?

I recently read an article that expressed a question that used to bother me often (and, I confess, still nags me at times), but I had never read about or heard anyone directly address it before.  The question is, why didn't God make the evidence clearer for people to believe in Him?  If God loves us so much and so much wants us to trust Him, why can it seem so hard to see the evidence?

If I had been asked to answer this question several years ago, I don't think that I could have.  Honestly, I thought that the kind of God who would seemingly make things so difficult for His creation to find Him was unfair, had unrealistic expectations, and was playing games with us.  I couldn't align my views with the teaching of the Bible that God is love and is perfect.  Either the Bible was wrong or I was wrong, but I wasn't sure which. 

When I was in college I expressed some of my frustrations to a mentor, and she encouraged  me that God is "not playing hard-to-get". I desperately wanted to believe her, but that didn't seem to be my experience.  I had been trying awfully hard "to get God", and I was frustrated that He wasn't responding to me in the ways that I expected Him to. The doubts (compounded by scrupulosity OCD) swirled and God most often seemed distant and unkind. 

But I have grown over the years such that now I would confidently, but with humility, say that God is not playing hard-to-get. He DOES love His creation, so much that He died for it. I think that if someone is having a difficult time believing God, it's not due to a problem with God's heart and character and it's not due to a lack of clear evidence. God's ways are far beyond our understanding, He has purposes that we do not always comprehend, and our ability to see the evidence can often be clouded by the blinding nature of sin.  As it says in Isaiah 59:1-2: "Listen! The LORD's arm is not too weak to save you, nor is His ear too deaf to hear you call. It's your sins that have cut you off from God..." (NLT, emphasis mine). God's arms have reached out to us, and He has given plenty of evidence for His existence and the truth of Jesus Christ. But, do we have ears to hear and eyes to see? Are we willing to acknowledge our sin, repent of it, and accept the evidence that He has given us?

In his article "Why Isn't the Evidence Clearer?" (see link below), Lou Whitworth, the former senior editor at Probe Ministires, offers several perspectives of why the evidence may not be as clear as some people would like, including the following:

"In Romans 1:1-8 Paul wrote that God has given human beings sufficient evidence that He exists. However, some people cannot bear to think that there is an authority or power greater than themselves, especially one that they cannot control and to which they should be subject. We should not be surprised, therefore, when we find that many people often distort the evidence that God has already given them (yet keep demanding more).

Given this tendency on the part of man, how clear does the evidence have to be before people would universally recognize the existence of the God of the Bible? Would a cross in the sky actually be sufficient to convert Carl Sagan? [My note: Whitworth cites that Carl Sagan, in his book Contact, "satirically asks why God doesn't place a glowing cross in the sky at night to serve as irrefutable proof of Jesus' resurrection?"] Would the performance of an undeniable miracle in a scoffer's presence be enough?...


From the human perspective, why isn't the evidence clearer? Because God knows, and has already demonstrated, that no matter how clear He makes the evidence, it will never be sufficient for some. More evidence by itself will not convince people whose minds are already emotionally attached to an opposing view, because people are not always rational. The mind is all too often the servant of the desired fantasy."

As I have humbly sought truth, accepted the reasonable evidence, and obeyed by faith, I have found that God, over time, increases my trust and faith in Him, and He makes increasingly clear things that used to be confusing. And, as I repent of my sinful ways and seek to follow Him, I have found that He has revealed more and more evidence as time goes on, too.

For the hearts that sincerely want to know Him, I believe that God is more than delighted to reveal sufficient evidence, in His time and His ways. Scrupulosity OCD can make this seem very complicated and frustrating, but God's truth is still true even for those with scrupulosity OCD. And God's grace is sufficient to lead even those with scrupulosity OCD into truth, peace, and settled assurance in Him.

If you are interested in more of Lou Whitworth's perspective as food for thought, here is the link for his article:

http://www.probe.org/site/c.fdKEIMNsEoG/b.4223593/k.3971/Why_Isnt_the_Evidence_Clearer.htm

"The Struggle With Guilt"

I plan to write more on living by faith and the power of the Holy Spirit, but I want to go ahead and post this link to a message I heard recently by Dr. Charles Stanley.  There are a lot of principles in this broadcast about guilt that have been keys to living out my freedom in Christ as well as victory over scrupulosity OCD.  (It has often been a long process and battle for me to effectively apply these principles in my life, but it has definitely been worth the effort and time to do so.) This message also makes the important distinction between true Biblical guilt and false guilt.  

Here is the link:  http://www.intouch.org/broadcast/audio-archives   

In these "audio archives", go to March 11, 2011 for "The Struggle with Guilt" and March 14, 2011 for "The Struggle with Guilt, Part 2".  The second one repeats a little from the first one, but keep listening and there will be some new material.    

My Story - Faith Is....?

"Faith is _________ ."

How would you complete the sentence?  Faith has been a hard thing for me to define, and even more difficult to learn to live by.  At different times of my life I would have completed the sentence in different ways.

Before I became a Christian I might have said:  "Faith is believing in something (like a god or religion) because you want to, regardless of whether there is evidence that it is trustworthy or not."

Though I did not really understand this verse, early in my Christian life I might have used the Bible verse Hebrews 11:1 to fill in the sentence: "Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen."   

At another point in my Christian life a good Christian friend shared the following with me, and the concept of faith began to make more sense:  "Faith is taking God at His word."

"Faith is taking God at His word" was helpful, but I was still bothered and confused by the issue of evidence when it came to choosing to live by faith.  An engineering professor at a Christian college addresses the issue in his article, "What Is Faith?".  He writes that he and his class discuss two possible definitions of faith, and he asks which one is the Biblical concept of faith:

        "Faith (number one) is 'trusting in something in spite of the evidence against it'; and 

         Faith (number two) is 'trusting in something because of the evidence for it'.

        At this point I tell the class that these are both valid definitions of faith in our society, and both are widely used; but they obviously have different (in fact almost opposite) meanings - so I ask them for a vote as to which is the 'faith' referred to in the Bible." 

I think herein lay my struggle.  My perception of faith when I was younger was that faith was just a blind leap in the dark and that it was trusting in something in spite of the evidence against it.  Yet, in my hunger to know truth and to live by truth  I did not have peace to trust in something that had no evidence for its veracity.  Moreover, I could not figure out how to make wise decisions based on the kind of faith that lacked reason.  I wanted to be willing to "take God at His word", but I still hungered for evidence that His word was true and that He was trustworthy to believe.

My pastor puts it this way:  Biblical faith is not a "hope" with nothing to undergird it.  We begin with the evidence (like creation) and see that it is reasonable to believe there is a God.  Then we believe that He is Who He reveals Himself to be and trust in Him.  It is like looking at a chair.  The evidence is there that it will hold me if I sit in it.  (looks and feels like a chair)  With that evidence then I place my weight on the chair trusting in it alone to hold me.  That is faith.  Likewise the evidence is that that switch on the wall will make the light come on.  It is faith based upon the evidence that leads me to turn on the switch."

In late high school and much of college I considered the evidence regarding creation, the historical accuracy of the Bible's documents, archaelogical evidences, the testimony of authentic genuine Christians, the conscience, and other apologetic arguments. (Note: Two good sources for these kinds of apologetics issues are Probe Ministries and Ravi Zacharias International Ministries.  Please note the links to their websites in the "Resources" section on my blog.) I saw the evidence for the reasonability of God and the trustworthiness of the Bible growing brick by brick, layer by layer.  This was tremendously encouraging to me as I began to "take God at His word" and experienced the work of God in my life.  

But because of scrupulosity OCD, I struggled through much of my Christian life to make decisions based on reasonable evidence.  The scrupulous, doubting, questioning part of me wanted 100% complete evidence with no questions remaining unanswered before I made a decision.  Consequently, I got stuck for a long time focusing on questions rather than reasonably responding to the good evidence that had already mounted for the veracity of God's word.  I finally learned to make choices by moving forward based on good evidence. And what joy I have experienced as God has consistently proven Himself to be trustworthy (faithful!) when I have taken Him at His word. My trust in Him (my faith!) has grown as a result.

My Story - Learning to Live the Christian Life

Before I became a believer in Christ, I assumed that the only way to get to Heaven would be to earn my way by being "good enough". In my late teens, I was finally honest with myself and with God.  I admitted that I could never be good enough to go to Heaven.  I was acutely aware of my tendency to make wrong moral choices in my actions and especially in my thoughts -- even if I did "right things" the attitude in my heart was often wrong.  I cried out for God's mercy and discovered the joy of my sins being washed away in His precious forgiveness (Luke 18:9-14; Titus 3:4-7).  By receiving the grace of God through faith, I accepted that Jesus died on the cross to pay the penalty for my sins so that I will not have to (Romans 3:21-26).  By God's grace, I was saved from the penalty for my sins! (Ephesians 2:8-9).  I will go to Heaven because God saved me by His power, by His grace.  I could not save myself no matter how hard I tried.

For some reason I assumed that after I was saved that now I was supposed to live the Christian life by my own will and effort.  I again (wrongly) thought that I had to try to be good enough to earn God's love even though He had already provided for the forgiveness for all the sins I had committed and will ever commit.  Trying to live the Christian life in my own feeble strength was quite a burden. Especially since I had scrupulosity OCD, it was an extremely difficult burden of trying to be perfect by my own will and effort -- and failing miserably every day.  As a result, I often felt quite distant from God, and "love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control" were definitely not characteristics that flowed from my heart (Galatians 5:22-23).  This was tremendously discouraging to me.  I felt like I was failing as a follower of Christ. I felt that God did not love me anymore.  And I struggled for a very long time wondering if I was really saved or not.

In my previous blog post I referred to Galatians 2:19-21 (see below) and asked the question:  What do these verses indicate are God's responsibilities and what are man's/woman's responsibilities as far as living the Christian life?  I find that it is not within my power to live a life like Christ would. Christ -- not me --  has the power to live the life of Christ through me. It is therefore Christ's responsibility to provide the power, and it is my responsibility to make choices that invite His power to flow in my life (v.20).  In other words, "the life I live in the body" I am to "live by faith in the Son of God" (v.20). I am to make choices of obedient faith as I walk by the Spirit; if I make sinful, disobedient choices, I am no longer walking by the Spirit and so stop the flow of Christ's power in my life (Galatians 5:16-26; Romans 8:1-17).   


I have learned to live consistently as a victor because I have learned how to let Christ live through me by His power, by His grace.  I cannot live a victorious life by myself no matter how hard I try.


Some challenges came up for me when I was learning how to live this way.  What does it mean to "live by faith" (v. 20) ?  What does it mean to live by the Spirit?

"For through the law I died to the law so that I might live for God.  I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me.  The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.  I do not set aside the grace of God, for if righteousness could be gained through the law, Christ died for nothing!" (Galatians 2:19-21, NIV 1984).

How Do You Live The Christian Life?

One of the biggest breakthroughs of my walk with Christ has been learning how to let go of the responsibilities that are not mine and how to take up the responsibilities that are mine.   Galatians 2:19-21 (see below) are verses that I have read many times over the years, but only recently have I read these verses in light of their comments on responsibility.

I'd like to hear comments from others on what these verses indicate are God's responsibilities and are man's/woman's responsibilities as far as living the Christian life?  What do you think?

Galatians 2:19-21 (New International Version 1984, ©1984)

¹⁹ For through the law I died to the law so that I might live for God. ²⁰ I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. ²¹ I do not set aside the grace of God, for if righteousness could be gained through the law, Christ died for nothing!”

My Story - Who Is Responsible?

Most of my blog writing since August has dealt with challenges that I struggled with related to mental illness, bondage to fear, and persistent doubts.  I have written about my challenges with (1) my pride, (2) questioning God's goodness and His love, (3) being a 'two-potter', (4) dark nights of the soul, (5) being honest with God, and (6) having wrong expectations of God. 

Another challenge that I struggled with, particularly in relation to OCD, was hyperresponsibility.  For example, when I struggled with an OCD fear of contaminating other people, I was being hyperresponsible.  I originally viewed my actions as taking whatever precautions I saw necessary to protect other people since I was concerned about their health, but through counseling I came to see how several of my behaviors were in fact taking much more responsibility than was appropriate for me to take for others' health.

A related challenge was struggling with what I am responsible for and what God is responsible for.  Again through counseling, I came to realize that I was taking a huge amount of responsibility for some things that God is ultimately responsible for, while in other ways I was not taking enough responsibility for things that I truly am responsible for.

I plan to write more on this topic later.

My Story - Don't Crowd Out The Savior

In my November 23, 2010 post I quoted Isaiah 59:1-2 about our sins causing a barrier between us and God.  I also stated in that post that when I "chose to let Him teach me to walk victoriously over sin" my prayer life and intimacy with God deepened significantly.  

Now, based on my years of experience as a person with scrupulosity OCD who analyzed my sins and the sanctification process far too much, I want to offer the following quote.

In Living Free, Beth Moore writes "What's more, we cannot please God by focusing on our sins and inadequacies.  Won't work.  Never happen. Never has.  Never will.  The only focus that will change our lives is a steady gaze Godward. The more we see Him, the less we will see ourselves.  Conversely, the more we obsess over our sin, the more we crowd the Savior out of our sight" (p. 4).  

As someone who obsessed over my sins, I was not able to understand or apply this concept when I first read it in 2005.  But God taught me how to apply this concept over time, little by little, and it is a core principle of the freedom that I experience today.  Do I still deal with sin in my life when I recognize it?  I certainly do, and it is wonderful freedom to walk free from the bondage of sin!  But I know how to deal with sin successfully now, unlike years ago.  By focusing on God and His promises rather than focusing on my sin and my weaknesses, God taught me how to conquer patterns of sin and to walk by the power of the Holy Spirit.