Hungering For My Very Great Reward

I've been encouraged by reflecting on the value of embracing challenges as opportunities to grow in my relationship with God. The current challenge that I'm trying to embrace is a recurrence of hyperventilation syndrome (HVS). I've been anxious over the many decisions, deadlines, and transitions of the last week and that has manifested in HVS symptoms. I’m not nearly as discouraged as when I first experienced HVS since I'm trying to embrace this challenge as an opportunity, but it still is not pleasant experiencing HVS again.

I've realized that the main reason that I've been extra anxious about decisions is that I have been trying to be in control rather than trusting (and resting) in God to be in control.

Many months ago I heard Pastor Charles Stanley say: "Obey God and leave all the results to Him". As I earnestly tried to follow that principle, I experienced increased peace, awareness of God's work in my life, and growth in my fellowship with God.  Though I've been seeking to obey God this week, I realized I haven't been trusting Him, resting in Him, and leaving all the results to Him.  I've been holding onto my will rather than surrendering to His.  Though I may have been initially seeking to be obedient, I quickly switched to worry and anxiety many times this week.

My current lack of peace and distance from God is not worth holding onto my will or worries.  I can't control all the results of decisions anyway, plus I'm reminded that the results that God brings are always for my best. The hard part is to wait on Him, but I'm convinced I need to be willing to wait again too. 

I miss the intimacy with God that I have often enjoyed.  I want to take whatever steps are necessary to renew my peace and fellowship with God, and I trust that He will lovingly guide me in that.  I want to delight myself in Him again and to know Him as my very great reward (see Psalm 37:4 and Genesis 15:1).  

My OCD Journey: Embracing Mysteries and Challenges

The anxiety I have experienced over decision-making has often left me crying out for a formula. If only there were a black-and-white method for making perfect decisions, then surely my life would be much more satisfying. Or would it be?

Though I have cried in frustration over the mysteries of God and His ways, I am beginning to see that a formula-based approach to God would take the life out of my relationship with Him.  If God gave me a formula for every need and decision, my focus would be on the formulas, not on Him. He did not create me to be a robot, mechanically plodding through life according to formulas. Rather, God created me for abundant, vibrant relationship with Him and with others.  The development of such a relationship can involve times of deep mystery and gut-wrenching challenge, but this refining process can produce such a rich, satisfying relationship -- what is gained in the end makes the process worth it many times over.

I have experienced such a deep, satisfying relationship with God, especially over the last few years.  Such intimate fellowship has largely been borne from wrestling with Him through the challenges, and in the end, finding Him faithful through it all. God has so often done "immeasurably more than all [I] ask or imagine" through the hard refining times, and I stand in great awe and close fellowship with Him as a result (Ephesians 3:20). 

In Hearing God's Voice, Henry and Richard Blackaby write, "God's choice to communicate in so many diverse ways forces us to put our faith in him,  not a method" (p.42).  Though a life free from mystery and challenge still sounds appealing in ways, I have found that the joy of deepening my relationship with God and others through the hard times has always been worth it. May I embrace future challenges as an opportunity to seek Him ever more deeply.