It's been humbling to admit again that I am still in daily need of Christ's forgiveness and grace. My awareness of the huge gap between God's perfect righteousness and my sinfulness has been growing. For most of my life as a Christian, my response to this awareness was to get discouraged and to live under a huge weight of guilt and self-condemnation. I would think that there was no way that God could love such a sinner as me, and I would not forgive myself nor trust in His forgiveness. And this was all made worse by my functioning as a captive to scrupulosity OCD.
However, a turning point came when I realized that I was putting the focus on myself -- my failures, my sins, my regrets -- rather than focusing on Christ -- Christ's victory, Christ's forgiveness, Christ's redemption. The chart on the second page of Learning to Live the Spirit-Filled Life (v2-20-2011b) illustrates how our appreciation of the cross can grow when our awareness of the gap between God's righteousness and our sinfulness grows. And, if I focus upward on Christ rather than focusing on myself, my view of the cross is enlarged. And as I realize how huge the cross must be to bridge the gap between God's righteousness and my sinfulness, my appreciation of the vastness of Jesus' love for me grows. Because of this appreciation, the weight of guilt that I used to constantly carry has often been replaced by thankfulness, joy, and freedom in my dear Savior.
It has been painful these last weeks to honestly acknowledge an ongoing struggle with sin, but it has been a good reminder of my ongoing need for the cross. I need a Savior in a big way. And when I look away from myself and up at the cross, I see that God's grace is indeed sufficient, even for me in all my weaknesses and sins. Thank You, Lord Jesus, for the cross.
Credit: The chart referenced above was inspired by The Cross Chart from the "Sonship" manual year 2002, page 167, http://www.whm.org/sonship .
