My Story - Defining OCD and Scrupulosity

Two of the books that I used under the guidance of a Christian counselor were The Obsessive-Compulsive Trap: Real Help for a Real Struggle by Dr. Mark Crawford and some sections of The OCD Workbook: Second Edition: Your Guide to Breaking Free from Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder by Bruce M. Hyman, Ph.D. and Cherry Pedrick, RN.  

To begin exploring the terms OCD and scrupulosity:

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) - There are "millions of people who have obsessive-compulsive disorder, or OCD.  They struggle with a neurobiological disorder that fills their minds with unwanted thoughts...They are not a rare group.  About one of forty people has OCD.  Obsessive-compulsive disorder is characterized by obsessions and/or compulsions that are time-consuming, distressing, and/or interfere with normal routines, relationships with others, or daily functioning" (Hyman and Pedrick p. 7).  People with OCD may fall into one or more groups of basic types of OCD, including checkers, washers and cleaners, orderers and repeaters, hoarders, pure obsessionals, and people with scrupulosity (p. 7-8).

Scrupulosity - "People with scrupulosity obsess about religious, ethical, or moral issues" (Hyman and Pedrick p. 8).  "Does having strong religious beliefs increase the likelihood of having scrupulosity OCD? Strong religious beliefs are not the cause of OCD", recognizing OCD as a neurobehavioral disorder. Strong religious beliefs are "only the grist for the OCD mill in a person who is biologically predisposed to it. Remember that OCD is 'the doubting disease.' As such, it attacks, undermines, and wreaks havoc with the very foundation of who you are and who you know yourself to be.  If strong religious beliefs were not present in the individual, the OCD would surely take a different form, such as contamination fears or checking compulsions, for example.  Scrupulosity OCD takes well-intended beliefs and precepts and blows them out of proportion.  The true moral and spiritual aspects of the individual's character become fused with the OCD, and thus become distorted and corrupted" (p. 139).

Note: Another source that I have been advised to consult is http://www.nami.org/. NAMI is not a Christian organization, but it has resources for OCD and other mental illnesses that are valid and useful.  This source was recommended to me by a highly respected Christian psychiatrist.

  

My Story - Paralysis of Analysis and OCD

I think that asking questions about one's faith, especially when asked with right motives, can be a very healthy and important part of the process of strengthening one's faith.  The process of wrestling through my honest questions has drawn me closer to God and has strengthened my faith that God is real, that the Bible is reliable and trustworthy, and that Jesus alone is "the way, the truth, and the life" (John 14:6).  And I have found that, as the Bible teaches, that God delights to reveal Himself to those who truly seek Him.

But even though I am an advocate of humbly bringing our questions to God and bringing them out in the open among trusted friends and family, I do think that obsession with questions can be a big problem. Even if one is earnestly and sincerely seeking to know God, obsession with questions can be unhealthy, interfere with a true relationship with the God of grace, confuse one's understanding and practice of a life of faith (not blind faith, but faith based on evidence) and disrupt other areas of the life that God intends for us.   I look back over my life and see a person who has honestly and consistently wanted to know the truth through searching out answers to my questions; however, obsession over questions resulted in unhealthy patterns (such as sleep disruption), distraction from my relationship with the God of grace, confused my understanding and practice of living by the Biblical model of faith, and disrupted other areas of my life to the point that I could not function at times.  I would get stuck in a paralysis of analysis while obsessing over the pursuit of perfect and complete answers to all my questions. Thus I would be paralyzed from moving forward or making good decisions based on reasonable, sound evidence.

For years I struggled with such patterns, and I did not know that I was also struggling with a mental illness called OCD.

My Story - Questions and Doubts

It was probably not obvious to anyone else that I was on an intense search for truth. I wanted a God of love and heaven to all be true. But if I was going to be honest about it, if God and heaven were not really real, was it a good idea to give my heart to a belief that was only fictitious? Just because I wanted something to be real did not make it real.

So, particularly in high school and college, I asked all kinds of questions about the veracity of God, Jesus, and the Bible. I had a deep need to be intellectually honest as I pursued the knowledge of God. I could not see God with my eyes, touch Him with my hands, or hear Him with my ears. Was there any good, legitimate evidence that He was real?

My questions to God were more incessant than a three-year old asking, "Why?". I delight in my three-year-old's curiosity and questions, but I can tire of all of her questions after some time. I'm so thankful that God delights in my pursuing the knowledge of Him and that He does not grow impatient with all my questions. Sometimes the answers to my questions have been crystal clear, sometimes I can't fully understand the answer that is given, and sometimes I get the sense that "I won't understand it until I'm older" or in heaven.

I have found that my three-year-old still trusts me even when my best answer to her has been, "I can't explain it." She hasn't written me off as completely untrustworthy just because I haven't answered all of her questions to her satisfaction. In a similar way, I have had to learn how to trust God even though not all of my questions have been answered with evidence beyond the shadow of a doubt. (But what a great joy that many of my questions have been answered, and my trust in the veracity of the God of the Bible has grown tremendously!).

As I pursued the knowledge of God, I found evidence, more questions, evidence, more questions, evidence, and more questions.  I firmly believe that God wants us to use the minds and reason that He has given us, but when we find that our understanding is finite, He wants us to keep trusting the One Whose understanding is infinite. At some point near the end of high school the evidence had satisfied my mind enough that I decided to respond to God with such trust. And just as He promised He would, Jesus saved me.
 

Did everything become all rosy after I became a Christian? No. Did I still have doubts that this God and the Bible were true? Honestly, yes. I still had tons of questions, and, though I did not know my diagnosis of OCD at the time, looking back I can see how a type of OCD called 'scrupulosity' was contributing even more to my cycle of constant questions and doubts.

Beloved Prodigal of Infinite Worth

Before I continue with my story, I want to keep in perspective God's heart toward us as He exposes weaknesses in our lives.

For years I kept hearing that God loved me and was gracious and kind and merciful.  However, if you had asked me to be honest about what I usually believed about God, I would have described a being who was consistently angry, who would heap condemnation on me for sin, and who was too harsh for me to approach in the midst of my weaknesses. Thankfully, I now know the true God of the Bible, and I am confident that my old view of a God who was harsh toward His children was a wrong view of God. 

In Living Free Beth Moore writes, "He [God] never sheds light on our weaknesses or shortcomings for the sake of condemnation (Rom. 8:1).  God makes us aware of hindrances so He can set us free!" (p. 56). "Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus" - Romans 8:1. 


Many people may relate being too aware of one's weaknesses with having low self-esteem.  I disagree.  God paid the highest price possible for me to be with Him for all of eternity - the price of the blood of His Son - so in fact I am a person of infinite value and worth.  So being aware of our weaknesses does not mean that we should walk with low self-esteem.  Rather, we should walk with confidence and joy because we are children of God, who loves us enough to be honest with us.  That is, He is honest with us in exposing our weaknesses so that He may heal us, strengthen us, and set us free. "It is for freedom that Christ has set us free." - Galatians 5:1.

Indeed, "...everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted." - Luke 18:14.


Beth Moore writes in Living Free, "When we see God as He is, we automatically see ourselves as we are. We fall on our faces because of His greatness....  Low self-esteem means I see myself as low - not because God is great, but because I have so little value.... When I recognize the greatness of God, I fall on my face before Him, but I also see myself in a new light.  Because I am the loved creation of so great a Maker, I cannot help but be a person of great worth.  Low self-esteem has nothing to do with real humility.  Pride is self-absorption, whether we're absorbed with how miserable we are or how wonderful we are.  Humility is God-focused not self-focused" (p. 44).

Praise God that He delights for His beloved prodigals (of infinite worth!) to honestly bring Him our weaknesses, struggles, and sins, so that we may find His perfect love, mercy, and grace to meet us where we are. He delights in His children through the lifetime process of our being transformed "into His likeness with ever-increasing glory"- 2 Cor. 3:18

Note:  When I use the term 'weakness', it does not necessarily refer to sin. We are imperfect human beings, and we all have weaknesses of some kind or another.  And, yes, we also all have sinned too. "All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." - Romans 6:23.  

Thanks for taking that detour with me. Now, to continue with my story...

My Story - Childhood and Adolescence

I had a great childhood and adolescence with a wonderful family, many opportunities, and many successes.   Ever since I can remember, I enjoyed school, I was a high achiever academically, and I was driven to do the very best I could throughout my education.  I won the second grade spelling bee with the word 'llama', I consistently made among the highest grades in almost every subject through all levels of school, and upon graduation I was the valedictorian of a high school ranked among the top in the nation.  I was a National Merit Scholar, and upon earning two degrees in college I had a record of all A's (save one B), including in the classes that were part of an elite honors program.   By such evidences, my mind seemed to work quite well. 

What was not so obvious to others about my mind was my bondage to thinking patterns of doubt and fear.  I struggled with ongoing fears that my parents would suddenly die, I feared that I would fail at my goals, I feared people's opinions of me, and most of all I feared death and what might happen after death.

I did not have the courage to share my fears openly, but I prayed often in some hope of finding deliverance from my fears.  But even though I prayed often, I did not know who I was praying to and I did not find much relief from fear.  And I struggled with very basic but important questions.  How could I be confident that God even existed?  Was the Bible really God's Word, or just another book made by man?  If God did exist, how could I trust that He cared about me and had answers for my fears?

Unlike my success in academics, I failed at knowing God in my own strength.  

My Story - The Weakness of a Diagnosed Mental Disorder

Please don't stop reading because of the title! Mental health is not something that is commonly or comfortably discussed in the Christian community. There are a lot of assumptions, misunderstandings, unknowns, and stigmas that can make the topic of mental health uncomfortable.

But, because God's power is perfected in weaknesses, I would like to write freely about some of my journey with God through the land of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder.

I was diagnosed with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) about four years ago, but with the knowledge that I have now, I can see evidences that I have struggled with OCD for most of my life since childhood. I cannot say that "I am cured" since OCD is a brain disorder that I will likely have for the rest of my life, but I and others in my life agree that I have learned how to walk in consistent victory over OCD. So rather than being daily conquered by OCD, I am living as more than a conqueror. I still need to grow -- that's certain! -- but in future posts I would like to share some things I have learned along the way about being a Christian with a diagnosed mental disorder.

"River of Mercy"

How can we be honest with ourselves about our weaknesses, struggles, and sins?

How can we be honest with God about them?

Since very early in my journey with Christ, I have been intent on learning from the Christians who seem to be the most genuine and who seem to know God very intimately. One of these people is Beth Moore. Largely due to the examples of Beth Moore's authenticity, transparency, and genuine passion for Christ, I have grown in facing my own weaknesses, bringing them with honesty to God, and then embracing the grace that He so gladly offers for each weakness, struggle, and sin. Following is a poem by Beth Moore from her book Further Still, page 63, which I think addresses at least part of the answer to the above questions. We can be honest with ourselves and with God because of His glorious river of mercy.

"River of Mercy" by Beth Moore

"There is a river of mercy

Just beyond the pride

Down the street from secrecy

Around the bend from lies.

No signs that say 'No Trespassing'

No need to sneak in fear

Turn right beyond the marker saying,

'Bring your trespass here.'

The waters there are brisk and clear;

The bank is never steep.

Quick waters smooth the pebbles clean

So enter with bare feet.

I'll meet you in that river

If you'll come with no disguise.

Bring to me your honesty

And let the waters rise.

They'll cover every guilty stain

And rinse away each sin.

Splash in my refreshment, Child,

Go ahead! Dive in!

There is a river of mercy

Come and freely swim

My Son is waiting at the gate

And He'll escort you in."

Power Perfected in Weakness

"But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." - 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

I have spent most of my life working hard to hide my weaknesses and to highlight my strengths. But now, because of Christ's loving and powerful work in me, I would like to spend the rest of my life highlighting my weaknesses so that Christ's glorious strength may be seen.

Through sharing my personal story and insights, I would like to testify to the truth of Paul's words in 2 Corinthians 12:9-10.  Paul's words were definitely hard for me to swallow for years, but by God's grace I am delighting in learning how Paul's words are the absolute truth. I am also enjoying the reality of how this truth can open the door to a life of increasing victory, freedom, and power in Christ in my day-to-day life. My weaknesses are many, so I have many ways to testify to the perfect sufficiency of God's grace!

I don't claim to have all the answers -- in fact I still have lots of questions!! My heart in this journal is to keep growing in the knowledge of Christ and to dialogue openly with others who are on the journey as well.

May God encourage each of us on our journey, and may we increasingly delight ourselves in the Lord as He displays His perfect power in our (I'm assuming you have weaknesses, too?) weaknesses. I invite you to share your thoughts with me!