My Story - Honesty In the Darkness

Christian leader, public speaker, and author Charles Colson wrote an article in which he shared his personal experience with the 'dark night of the soul' ("My Soul's Dark Night", Christianity Today with Anne Morse, 4/12/2006).  He asks, "What happens when you have relied on this intimacy [with God] and the day comes when God seems distant? What happens in the dark night of the soul?" 

The year 2005 included various trials for Colson including his son's diagnosis of bone cancer, his daughter's diagnosis of melanoma, and his wife's major knee surgery.  He writes, "I walked around at night, asking God why He would allow this.  Alone, shaken, fearful, I longed for the closeness with God I had experienced even in the darkest days of prison."

He notes that the contemporary Christian culture did not prepare him for this struggle.  And he, as I do, suspects that the dark night of the soul is something which many Christians "experience but fear to admit because of the expectations we create."  

Colson also writes that Christians "must rely on more than cheerful tunes, easy answers, and happy smiles."

Is there something more than the mask of happy smiles that many of us His followers hide behind? We can look to Jesus in His hour of agony and see something more than songs and smiles.  In the Garden of Gethsemane, Jesus "began to be deeply distressed and troubled. 'My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death', He said." (Mark 14:33-34). He "prayed that if possible the hour might pass from Him.  'Abba, Father,' He said, everything is possible for you.  Take this cup from me.  Yet not what I will, but what you will.'" (35-36). Jesus obeyed God the Father, but He didn't do it with a fake smile.  He was honest with His Father about the pain, difficulty, and struggle that were involved. "For the joy set before Him [He] endured the cross" (Hebrews 12:3).  It seems that Christ's joy was mixed with the reality of sorrow as well.  As Isaiah says, Jesus was, "a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief" (Isaiah 53:3).

Learning to be real and honest with God, myself, and with others was a difficult but critical part of my making it through my dark nights.  I am learning to walk with joy despite difficult circumstances because I have so often experienced the joy of God's power perfected in my weaknesses, but I also feel the freedom to be honest about the very real pain that there is in the darkness.  

My Story - Light in the Darkness

'Dark nights of the soul' were more common than not when I was a young Christian.  As I wrote about early in this blog, I struggled with lots of doubts and questions about the Bible and God.  Also, I had not yet learned how to trust God when I did not sense His presence and when I did not see clear evidence of His involvement in my life.  

One of the lights that I found in those early days of my faith struggles is Psalm 13 of David.  This psalm, among others that he wrote, encouraged me to be completely honest with God about my feelings, doubts, and struggles.  This psalm also showed me that I could choose to trust and praise God despite the darkness that seemed to define my days.  I memorized verses 5 and 6 years ago and they have helped anchor my faith in Christ when my emotions and thoughts have run wild.

Psalm 13 (NIV)
For the director of music. A psalm of David.

 ¹ How long, O LORD ? Will you forget me forever?
       How long will you hide your face from me? 

² How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
       and every day have sorrow in my heart?
       How long will my enemy triumph over me?
 ³ Look on me and answer, O LORD my God.
       Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;
 ⁴ my enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"
       and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
 ⁵ But I trust in your unfailing love;
       my heart rejoices in your salvation.
 ⁶ I will sing to the LORD,
       for he has been good to me.

My Story - The Dark Night of the Soul

In earlier posts I wrote about the year that I was severely, clinically depressed.  It began in January 2004 with the death of a friend/co-worker who contracted a serious, contagious disease;  it continued with many other griefs that came from such challenges as strained relationships, a heavy sense of responsibility in leadership, confusion about direction and next steps in life, and feeling isolated from those closest to me since I was working far from home.  Not to mention the devastating impact of OCD as I faced all of these challenges.

So much all at once was overwhelming in itself, and this no doubt contributed to my state of severe depression.  But the challenges that were even greater for me than all of these were (1) feeling very distant from God (2) doubting His goodness and (3) questioning what was really true.  I had walked with God so closely and in such intimacy despite trials the year before...but in this year of the greatest trials of my life it seemed like He had vanished and withdrawn His hand of love and care from me, and what had been clear to me before turned to gray. 

I had experienced 'dark nights of the soul' many times before, but the intensity and overwhelming grief of missing God's presence, doubting His love and goodness, and questioning what was true were much worse this time than any before.  And after having been to such heights with God in the year prior to that, this valley seemed deeper than any other.  I could not handle the circumstances of 2004 in my own natural strength, and it seemed that God was not handling them for me.   

(The term 'dark night of the soul' comes from the 16th century Spanish priest John of the Cross who wrote Dark Night of the Soul.  The term can refer to a spiritual crisis, feeling that God's presence is absent, and depression linked to a crisis of faith.)


Yesterday I just came out of a 'dark night' that lasted only a few days. It seemed to begin around the time when I started preparing a short talk to give about the dark night of the soul this coming Thursday. Though I'm certainly glad it's over for now, it was a good time for me to remember how the dark night feels so I can speak this Thursday from recent experience. This short dark night also reminded me of how God can use such times for great good in my personal growth and how joyous it is to see Him bring me through to the light again.  Also, I realized that I am much more prepared now than I was in 2004 to respond to dark nights.  I plan in future posts to share some ways that I have learned to make it through the night and to prepare for dark nights that may come in the future.